Facing a decision that i never wanted to make..

• 05-02-2008 7:24 PM

  strberypoptart Joined on 02-10-2005 lehigh Valley Posts 60

  Facing a decision that i never wanted to make.. Reply Contact Well my story is very complicated, ive been in a relationship for 5 years now with the father of my 2 children we have been happy and have made a life for ourselves, well about 7.5 months ago he and i were having some ruff times, he found comfort in another women, he was never honest about it and lied frequently,he would not come home and say he was somewer he was not.. i couldnt take it & in time i found myself in another mans arms, and not necessarily one that was healthy for me and my kids, well as time went on my boyfriend decided that he was making a mistake and that he wanted to be with his family and needed us in his life.He told me he was never sexual with the girl and had only kissed her... i never mentioned to him i had been with someone else, and intime we stopped talking about that pastand began to move on, until about 3 months ago i was becoming very il and went to the er, wer they confirmed a pregnancy, now normally i would have been excited, but my boyfriend had had a vasectomy.. so he could not be the father, and it had to be the other man.. Things had been going so well, ,and i had to come clean about my mistake and hope we could work through this, he and i are both firm beleivers against abortion so his immedaite conclusion was if i wanted to be with him i had to give this baby for adoption..i reluctantly agreed, And here i am now, due august 12 with a baby girl, i am so attached to her and i cant imagine givign her up but to remain with my 2 childrens father i have no other choice. i can not imagine giving my baby away.. but i dont want to ruin my family when my 2 and 3 year old need there father to be there... It hurts me so bad inside.. im am so lost and confused...

• 05-02-2008 7:47 PM

  In reply to

  Aubrie'sMommy Joined on 01-08-2008 Posts 691	Re: Facing a decision that i never wanted to make.. Reply Contact After reading your story, I think going through with an adoption would be very bad. Don't do it to please your boyfriend... That little girl inside you is part of your family too... Do what is best for you and your family.

• 05-03-2008 12:59 AM

  In reply to

  stacey2723338 Joined on 03-14-2008 Posts 121

  Re: Facing a decision that i never wanted to make.. Reply Contact i went through the same thing 7 years ago with my son, i kept him see i could not give him up, i too fell in love!!!!! i have to honest with you though i would love to say my husband was great , he was at 1st, he loved him as his own was there at birth held him loved him, til he turned two and started looking unlike our other children, see he has curly hair just like his father none of us do,then h started being angry with us and threw us out, you know what though i know this is not really what you want to here and i cant say whats best for you only for me, and that man walking away from us was better then loosing the love of my life my son,,,,, i hope everything works out for you, it did for me it took awhile to get back up on my feet, then my h started to want us back i stayed away i knew it would bother him agian looking at my son, anyways i met the man of my life 3 years ago and i am here on this site lol, carring his baby and waiting for our life to get here, so my point is even when your life falls apart and the love of your life goes away either one in your case LIFE can and will go on, i hope for you the best and the best for your family

• 05-03-2008 6:13 AM

  In reply to

  veryhappymommywiththird Joined on 02-01-2008 Posts 338

  Re: Facing a decision that i never wanted to make.. Reply Contact It is horrible that you are going through this... I am so sorry, and angry for you that your boyfriend has given you such an ultimatum... You really can't be expected to love this child any less than your other two. While I fully appreciate that this can't be easy for him.... it isn't fair to you that he's asking that you give up this child for adoption. He mistakenly assumes that "things" will get back to the way they were before... but they won't. I have this friend who was married to this great guy... she was a model, he a photographer... they traveled all over the world and had this great lifestyle... but he didn't want kids. When she found out she was pregnant, she thought that he would come around eventually. In the end he gave her the same ultimatum... it was either him or the baby... she gave up their little boy for adoption (This guy was the love of her life...) Their relationship lasted less than a year after that and they got divorced. She couldn't deal with the fact that their lives went on ... in Paris, London and Rome.... while their little boy was living with someone else. A few years later she met someone new... and now has two little girls with her new husband... but she still misses her son, and I know that every year between his birth date, and adoption date she is totally inconsolable that her son will never know he has two half sister, and that she'll never be there for him.... It's very sad.... but the point is... unless you are giving up your child because it's something that you want, don't do it.... Don't let someone else force you to give up your baby.... your kids are a part of you and if you can't honestly say that it is your choice to sever that part... you will always regret it.... also while your kids are always yours .... (sad to say ) men come and go.... Talk to your partner... I hope that he comes around and that you aren't forced to make a decision... When he forgave your infidelity, that should have included all aspects of it... you both made mistakes ... don't make this baby pay for it... I wish you lots of courage! <<HUGS>>

• 05-03-2008 9:47 AM

  In reply to

  cateydid Joined on 04-11-2006 Lucky #7 Due Summer 08! Posts 2,516

  Re: Facing a decision that i never wanted to make.. Reply Contact First I just want to say that I am so sorry you are facing such a difficult decision. I can't imagine how heart wrenching it must be to face any of the aspects involved in this situation. One of my good friends has a baby that she received due to a very similar situation. She and her husband tried for years to have children. They faced exponential amounts of testing and procedures, all to no avail. They finally turned to the blessing of adoption. After waiting for years to adopt, they found a woman who already had four children of her own. She and her husband had been through difficult times, both had been unfaithful, she had ended up sleeping with her other man and getting pregnant. At the point when she and her husband decided they wanted to reconcile things, they had to face the repercussions of the decisions they had both made. For them, that included letting go of the child that resulted from her affair. My friend now has the blessing of a child to raise as her own, because this mom was willing to let him go for the sake of her marriage and her other children. Had she not made that decision, she would now most likely be a single mom, trying to raise her other four on her own. The actual adoption and letting the baby go was so extremely difficult, for all of those involved, including the birth mom's parents. But the adoption has been fairly open, enough to where after my friend and her husband adopted the baby, they got together with the birth mom so that she could have pictures done with this little boy, and have a picture of her four children and this little baby as well. It is now nearly two years later, and I know that my friends cannot imagine their life without their sweet son. They will be forever grateful for the opportunity that this woman gave them to have a child, as they could not do that on their own. Though I can't make any suggestions to you regarding your situation, I wanted you to know that there are other sides to the story. Open adoption would allow you the chance to see this baby grow up and know the child, even if you weren't the one raising it full time. I am not saying that is right for you, just that it may be something to consider. I hope that you are able to work out what will be best for you and your bf, as well as the children the two of you have and this little baby yet to arrive.

• 05-03-2008 7:55 PM

  In reply to

  Erin1196 Joined on 02-11-2004 Posts 37

  Re: Facing a decision that i never wanted to make.. Reply Contact I am due August 10th and could not even imagine giving up my little girl. I look at the situation this way, if you were going through rough times and he was leaving once, why do you feel he won't do it again even if you do give her up? This is something that I could not fathum going through. i have to give you the advice that you need to really pray about this. I myself would not give up any of my children for a man. This may sound horrible, but it is the truth. I love my husband very much, but I love my children too. I understand your situation, but I do not feel that your boyfriend is being a man by asking you to give this baby up. No matter what both of you made mistakes and this innocent little girl is the result. She did not ask to be born into the situation that you are in. You need to do what is best for you, your children, and your new baby first. I am not trying to pry, but if he was truly in love with you and wanted to stay with you forever he would marry you. Just being a boyfriend makes it too easy for him to just walk away. Keep you head up and remember, pray and you will get your answer.

• 05-05-2008 8:44 PM

  In reply to

  jacobpapp Joined on 08-19-2007 Posts 69

  Re: Facing a decision that i never wanted to make.. Reply Contact I am sorry you are in this very sad situation. See, if your boyfriend was a true MAN, he would love that baby regardless. You CANNOT give up your little girl for him. Who is to say if you do, the boyfriend will be around forever. If he puts these conditions on you now with such serious consequence, the future with him doesn't look all that loving. Your kids now, will go through hard times, knowing mom gave away a baby. You can't do it. You said yourself, your attached to this baby. Imagine your baby, she is totally attached, your the ONLY one she knows. When she is born, she ONLY knows your smell, voice, touch etc. She can even smell YOUR milk. WHen she cries, she wants you, mommy. Dont let ANY man make these decisions for you.

• 05-07-2008 8:48 AM

  In reply to

  mom-of-4 Joined on 11-01-2007 Arkansas Posts 195

  Re: Facing a decision that i never wanted to make.. Reply Contact I am so sorry you are going through something like this. I am due June 16th with my 5th and I can't imagin how hard it must be to have to make a decision like this. I think this has to be a decision you make for your self and for the child growing inside of you. Not because it is what your boyfriend or anyone else wants you to do. I feel if you make this decision based on what your boyfriend wants you will end up resenting him. How wil you ever make a relationship work when every time you look at him you resent him for the decision he made you choose. I think you should try sitting down with him and telling him straight out you do not know if you can give this child up and that you feel very attached already. Maybe he will agree to some counseling. Do not make this decision until you are 100% sure it is what is best for you and your baby. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers!

• 05-07-2008 1:29 PM

  In reply to

  TERRY2284389 Joined on 02-13-2008 Kendall & Koen's mommy (NC) Posts 181

  Re: Facing a decision that i never wanted to make.. Reply Contact You should not have to make this decision. However, I feel as a mother that if you decide to give the baby up it will be the biggest mistake you could ever make. As much as I love my husband if it came between him and my 2 boys I would have to tell him so long ... your children are your heart and nothing (not even a man) can replace that!!! If you decide on him over your child I think you will ALWAYS regret it. If he REALLY loves you he will not make you give this child up. And whose to say he might not decide to leave anyway .... your child won't leave you .

• 05-12-2008 4:28 PM

  In reply to

  Alisha119 Joined on 04-23-2008 North Carolina Posts 875

  Re: Facing a decision that i never wanted to make.. Reply Contact The greatest things in life never come easy. Adoption can be a beautiful thing if it's the right choice for mom and baby but you really don't sound like you fit in that category. If you are already attached, you know what is going to happen at birth. There is just a bond and a love so strong between mother and child, no one can beat that. I understand right now you are trying to make the best decision for your family, and it's hard, but if your b/f was the one who left in the first place how in the world can it be that he is holding this against you??? B/f needs to grow up a bit.. A baby is a blessing and your story brings me to tears, but honey, don't EVER let anyone make a decision on your behalf. Especially not one this big. Good luck to you and baby.

• 05-13-2008 7:02 AM

  In reply to

  Tara2554328 Joined on 12-16-2007 Tampa, Florida Posts 376

  Re: Facing a decision that i never wanted to make.. Reply Contact I agree with the previous posters. That little girl is growing inside you, attatched to you like no one else exept your children can ever be. Please don't give that up for a bf who may leave you anyway! I couldn't imagine giving my little daughter up...she's too much a part of me now. Sounds like the decision is already made in your heart...now go through with it. The right thing to do usually hurts more...but in the long run you will be so happy you chose your daughter!:)

• 05-13-2008 7:25 AM

  In reply to

  Julieinaz Joined on 05-12-2008 Posts 27

  Re: Facing a decision that i never wanted to make.. Reply Contact I found out that I am pregnant and the first thing the dad said was "it's not mine". Now that I'm 24 weeks along he says it's too bad that I didn't have an abortion or why can't I just give him up for adoption. I told him under no uncertain terms that's NOT his choice. Men unfortunately will come and go and it's easy for them. How would you feel if your mother told you you were adopted because your birth mother had to make the choice between you and a man?? Honestly he really should have married you by now. He may be a wonderful dad but since you didn't mention that too much maybe he's not. Your other girls need a dad but if he's a real man, he would be there for your girls no matter what. You would be surprised that there are real men out there. My dad (step dad) raised me better then my birth father ever could have. Pray and pray some more. How are you going to explain this to your daughters when they grow up?

• 05-13-2008 8:45 AM

  In reply to

  Aubrie'sMommy Joined on 01-08-2008 Posts 691	Re: Facing a decision that i never wanted to make.. Reply Contact strberypoptart,  I was the first person to post after you told us about your story. It touched me so much that I've been checking everyday since you posted. I know this is hard, but I would love to hear any updates on how things are going. :hugs: Kiley

• 05-13-2008 7:58 PM

  In reply to

  Tiana2853872 Joined on 05-14-2008 Posts 3

  Re: Facing a decision that i never wanted to make.. Reply Contact I am so sorry that you are in this situation. But I can honestly say from experience that I know that when a mother gives her child up for adoption it is because she loves him/her that much. To give up what you want in the best interest of you chid is unconditional love. We adopted our almost 2 year old son and I can honestly say that I have so much respect for his birth mother. I know why she gave him up and I know that it was because she loved him and wanted more for him then she could provide. We are looking to adopt again (hopefully through private adoption versus agency this time) and I want you to know that I am more than happy to talk with you more and we would love to be condsidered if you make this choice. We send pictures all the time and dvd's to our son's birth mother. We have an open adoption and LOVE it. It is the hardest decision you will ever have to make. And God has a plan for you and your baby and he will show you what it is. Blessings, Tiana

• 05-13-2008 9:26 PM

  In reply to

  crystal2816490 Joined on 04-24-2008 Posts 8

  Re: Facing a decision that i never wanted to make.. Reply Contact hi i know you don't know me but i just wanted to post this and i hope that things work out for you. I think that it's your desion i have had alot of people around me say diffrent things. I am also preagnet and was thinking of giving up my baby. You have to know what you can live with for the rest of your life it doesn't matter about any one or any thing eles will you be able to look your self in the mirror every day with the desion you have to make. you have to make this diffucult desion for your self yes your kids will know but it's really about what you can and can't deal with i hope and pray that you will be able to find the right desion for you not anyone eles.