New Here - Pregnant, Scared, and Confused!

• 08-26-2008 8:10 AM

  Melanie05 Joined on 11-30-2004 Posts 6

  New Here - Pregnant, Scared, and Confused! Reply Contact I just don't know what to do.  This will be my second child and, even worse, the second father.  My first child's father pressured me throughout the entire first trimester to have an abortion.  I was onboard for a few days, but the more it sank in that I was pregnant the more I started thinking of what was growing inside of me as a child.  Once I did that then I knew that I wouldn't be able to go through with an abortion.  The father was ticked and we didn't talk until my daughter was born and was about 2 weeks old.  I didn't care.  I'd rather not have him around than have him be around and a stressor.  Child support got him good though.  He's very well-educated and makes really good money, so he pays a good deal of child support. Now I'm pregnant by a Hispanic man (my daughter's father is Black, and so am I - for the most part).  I don't have a problem with that, I just wish that BOTH of my children could be the same ethnicity, whether that would mean both being Black or both being multi-ethnic.  Them being different worries me, and to be honest it makes it obvious that there are two fathers.  I'm not technically "with" this father.  We were working towards something serious, but it hasn't gotten there yet.  He's as poor as a Midwest winter is long, but he's a pretty good man.  He wants me to keep the child. I'm in Graduate school right now and I'm supposed to graduate next May, but my due date is April 7.  I'm studying to be a teacher so I don't know how I could work this out with my Student Teaching requirements.  My first child was 2 weeks late, and if I knew that would be the case with this one then I wouldn't be worried, but I heard that second children often come earlier, and if he/she does then I'm screwed.  This is the main reason why I'm considering abortion.  But still.  I've been crying and laughing about this on and off.  I've been crying because this is a bad situation to be in, but I'm laughing because a part of me really wants to keep this child and the thought of that precious baby just makes me smile.  I just don't know what to do.  Please Pro-Lifers don't bash me.  I'm going through enough right now.

• 08-26-2008 1:29 PM

  In reply to

  Deon2682 Joined on 03-23-2008 Flagstaff, AZ Posts 253

  Re: New Here - Pregnant, Scared, and Confused! Reply Contact This is a tough situation, and I just wanted to comment on one aspect of your dilema.  I too am a graduate student and am 37 weeks pregnant and I just started another semester yesterday.  I am set to graduate in May as well.  In my opinion, you should not let something so logical and "strategic" influence this decision.  The right to choose is a tough right to negotiate through, although an important one to have.  I am not saying go one way or the other, only you can know what is right for yourself, however, when it comes to the school side of things, try to work it out with your department, professors and so forth.  My department is supporting me, and all of my professors this semester are willing to give me a little lee-way when my daughter is born-extending deadlines, forgiving absences, etc.  so don't give up due to that fact alone.  Everything happens for a reason, and God will never give you more than you can handle.  If you do choose to keep this baby, you will be able to handle it and your student teaching by taking it all one day at a time and doing what is best for you and baby.  If your choice is to have an abortion, you will also know that it is the right choice and be able to move on from it eventually. Good luck to you.

• 08-26-2008 2:43 PM

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  Kimberly2670453 Joined on 02-21-2008 Wisconsin Posts 928

  Re: New Here - Pregnant, Scared, and Confused! Reply Contact  Hi there.  I think maybe you can talk to your professors/advisors/and everyone involved with student teaching.  I was in school when I had my second DD.  She was due Jan 21st, so I figured I had time to get through the fall semester, then take the spring off, then continue in the summer or fall.  Only my darling decided to attempt to enter the world in early December!  I was only 32 weeks.  I spent a week in the hospital, then four weeks on bedrest before she arrived.  In the meantime, I missed all of my finals and didn't turn in any of my papers.  But one-by-one I worked things out with the professors.  They let me do take home finals, or let me skip them altogether since I was maintaining a high GPA.  But you can see if you can start student teaching right after the school's winter break, rather than wait for the beginning of your semester.  That should give you a couple of extra weeks.  I know someone else who was pregnant during school...  They let her student teach in her home state so that her mom could watch the baby for her.  If you decide to keep this baby, you do have options. I have 2 kids by 2 fathers.  Now I am remarried and working on TTC with him.  We are all the same ethnicity, but I totally understand your worries about kids by multiple fathers.  It's hard, especially when you meet new people, and they just make assumptions.  But eventually, you look at your kids, and you realize that they love each other like sisters, and you are a whole family.  GL with everything.

• 08-27-2008 10:26 AM

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  Morgan2701175 Joined on 06-27-2008 Posts 17

  Re: New Here - Pregnant, Scared, and Confused! Reply Contact Wow, do you have a full plate or what?? Women like you deserve medals, I swear b/c all that you go thru as a single mom must be exhausting! I am married and being a SAHM and I am 31 weeks pregnant and am exhausted and I don't have half the stress you do. Congrats on graduate school, that is really a great achievement! And you are in quite a dilemma, but just know that God would NOT have allowed this pregnancy if it was not in His plan and if He didn't feel it was right for you. Trust in that sweetie, because He does know best and has a plan for each of us, even though it may not look like what we pictured:) I had 2 miscarriages and couldn't understand why, then someone shared with me that God doesn't allow things to happen to hurt us, but to make us stronger and I know that sounds like such a cliche, but it's true and once I let go of MY plan and let Him work, I got pregnant and had my daughter. Just try to focus on your choice to keep your daughter when you were pressured to abort her, that takes guts! You chose the more difficult path and would you change your decision? I also agree with the other ladies that have posted replies, about talking to your professors, they are really flexible and will work with you I am sure. I mean it's not like you are taking a Caribbean cruise for two weeks, you are having a baby! At least talk to them and see what they have to say before making a decision that is so final. How far along are you? Have you had an ultrasound yet? You're right-it is a tough situation to be in and I will be praying for you. Also, have you considered adoption? There are so many people that can't have babies that would LOVE to adopt a healthy baby, just a thought. I know my husband and I thought at one point that we would need to consider adoption b/c of our miscarriages, but that wasn't the way it worked out. However, there are so many people that that I know who are struggling with infertility, not to mention all over the country, so it's definitely something to consider as an option. I have friends that have adopted children and could hook you up with a great Christian adoption agency that you can totally trust. Anyway, I will be praying for you. Hang in there, you are a tough, strong, smart woman, obviously, look what you have done so far:) God bless you and have a great day!

• 08-27-2008 3:19 PM

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  trickywoo Joined on 07-27-2005 Posts 252

  Re: New Here - Pregnant, Scared, and Confused! Reply Contact First of all, congrats on your pregnancy! It sounds like you are in a tough and overwhelming situation, but I'm glad to hear that the father is supportive of this pregnancy. I was pregnant with ds when I was in my last semester of graduate school. It was tough to find the motivation for classes and I felt stressed about getting things done, but it will pass and you will graduate! I agree with the previous poster. Can you speak with your professors and see if they can help you arrange a special situation? I don't think that they can discriminate against you for your pregnancy, any more than an employer could. Maybe you could start a week earlier or observe a week in the fall or something to make up the time? And even the worst case scenario, could you do yoru student teaching next fall? That wouldn't be the most convenient, but it seems like in the future, when you are enjoying your child growing up, that one semester won't make much of a difference, you know? For what it's worth, I wouldn't make the decision to keep the baby or not based on the scheduling/graduate school issue. If with your first pregnancy you came to the conclusion that what was growing inside of me was a child, I imagine you'll feel the same way with this one. Hang in there hun! And keep smiling even through the tears! It will get better!!!

• 09-03-2008 6:49 PM

  In reply to

  Melanie05 Joined on 11-30-2004 Posts 6

  Re: New Here - Pregnant, Scared, and Confused! Reply Contact Since I brought you all into this crap I figure you have the right to an update from time to time.  Here's mine, and it's REALLY messed up.  This is listed in no particular order, although the first one is obviously the most important one: 1.  I've decided to have an abortion. 2.  I found out this weekend that the so-called great man that I've been dealing with has a wife and child in his home country.  He's been up here for a few years, but for about a year his wife was here and they made and bore a child together, and she went back to his country.  When I asked him why he kept that from me he said that it's because he didn't know that we would ever be more than lovers and that if he had known he would have gotten feelings for me then he would have told me from the beginning.  Plus, according to him (I now assume everything he says is a lie which is why I said "according to him") his wife really REALLY hates it up here (the state) because of the weather.  She flat-out refuses to move up here unless he moves to a better climate.  Unfortunately for her, according to him, he feels the oppositve way and LOVES the weather up here, and the fact that he's already made friends here and has family here, none of whom are planning to move, makes him stay.  So he claims that there's a good chance that they'll never end up living together again.  He volunteered the information that he wouldn't divorce her because that's not "their way" in his country.  Sounds like someone who's trying to have their cake and eat it too in my opinion. 3.  His brother-in-law not only lives up here, but also works with him!  As if that's not bad enough, his BIL found out about one of our trysts and snitched to wifey, who threatened him with divorce if he didn't stop seeing me.  This was, according to him, back when we first hooked up.  His BIL apparently doesn't know about our various dates and hanging out since then, mainly because they have different work schedules.  4.  As a result of all this he now thinks an abortion would be better.  He says that he wouldn't be able to keep the baby a secret for long and that it wouldn't be fair to the baby or me for him to even try, and he wouldn't even want to.  He says that if I have the baby then he'll be by my side the whole time and take care of both of us and all that.  He just says that us having a baby definitely has greater consequences for him (with his BIL and wife) than it would for me, and that he can't ignore that fact and rule out abortion.  Until I called Bull****! on him he tried to act like he wanted the abortion because of his concern for my studies. I now loathe this man.  I can't stand lies, even small ones.  To tell me a huge lie like that is beyond normal betrayal; it's closer to being treachery.  I don't want anything to do with this man, and I especially don't want to have his child.  I'm young and healthy and abortions are very safe, so I'm going to go ahead and do it.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not jumping for joy about this.  It's tearing me up in so many ways.  Either way you look at it, I'm going to go through a LOT mentally and emotionally, and physically.  I'm just choosing the option that I think will be better for me and my already-existing family (my daughter and I) in the long run.  But in this case "better" simply means "less shi*** than the alternative".  I feel this baby growing inside of me and I just wish it were under different circumstances and with someone else.  There are so many thoughts going through my mind right now, but I honestly believe that I'm making the best decision for me.  I absolutely HATE HATE HATE HATE that I'm even in this position.  To add insult to injury I can't even afford an abortion right now, which means that I have to stay pregnant for at least two more weeks.  I'm barely going to make the deadline to get one, which is going to make it that much worse mentally and emotionally for me.  But I'm a survivor if nothing else, so I know I'll get through it.  I'm going to try my best to move on with my life.  Just this past Friday the man that I'm actually madly in love with asked me out on a date for this past Saturday, but because I was going out of town with my best friend and our kids I couldn't make it, so we're going to go out this coming weekend (hopefully).  He doesn't know I'm pregnant and I'm not going to tell him unless we actually get into a relationship.  This is so personal that it's not exactly something you share early on in the courtship process.  But I really love this man.  For reasons I won't disclose right now we couldn't be together earlier this year.  But we both decided to say "scr*w what that person thinks or says" and are going to go ahead and see if we can begin something that we are both confident will be permanent.  Even if it doesn't, oh well.  I'll just be happy to have had the opportunity.  I'm so in love with this man.  This is the first man I've ever loved (we met this year).  But please do not get any bad ideas.....HE IS NOT EVEN ONE OF THE REASONS WHY I'M MAKING THIS DECISION!! You see what I mean about having so many thoughts? I'll talk to you all later.  Thank you so much for the support you've given me.  I only have my best friend to confide in and she lives out of town, so I'm all alone in this up here, and of all the times in my life when I've needed someone to hold my hand through something THIS is the time I've needed it most.

• 09-03-2008 7:16 PM

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  Cyn 7707 Joined on 03-13-2008 Posts 1,187	Re: New Here - Pregnant, Scared, and Confused! Reply Contact I am so sorry for the way things have worked out for all of you. I wish you luck and love.

• 09-03-2008 7:47 PM

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  cateydid Joined on 04-11-2006 Lucky #7 Due Summer 08! Posts 2,516

  Re: New Here - Pregnant, Scared, and Confused! Reply Contact I'm sorry you are in this situation and wish you the best no matter how it turns out. If there is any chance you might reconsider, I have two dear friends (two different families) that are trying to adopt and have been waiting for quite a while now....pm me if you are interested at all in seeing their family profiles. GL to you in this difficult time!

• 09-03-2008 8:35 PM

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  rosiebird Joined on 01-02-2006 Posts 325	Re: New Here - Pregnant, Scared, and Confused! Reply Contact Melanie, you are a very strong and smart woman. Whatever decision you go with will be the right one for you. Either way, it will be tough. And you have a PM.

• 09-04-2008 11:57 AM

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  Kimberly2670453 Joined on 02-21-2008 Wisconsin Posts 928	Re: New Here - Pregnant, Scared, and Confused! Reply Contact DP

• 09-04-2008 5:40 PM

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  Deon2682 Joined on 03-23-2008 Flagstaff, AZ Posts 253	Re: New Here - Pregnant, Scared, and Confused! Reply Contact Wow-I am so sorry you are going through all of this.  Only you can know what decision is right for you and your family (daughter).  Take care of yourself, good luck with your decision, and be sure to seek out support and help as you need it.  Be strong.

• 09-05-2008 5:54 AM

  In reply to

  Re: New Here - Pregnant, Scared, and Confused! Mark as Not AnswerMark as Answer... Reply Contact Just know that whatever decision you make, will be the best one for you. I'm actually in the exact same situation, almost. 7 wks pregnant, have a 3 year old to a past relationship. This one to my marraige, and now not sure if it'll work. But I've talked to numerous of other people that have went through this exact same thing, and believe me, whatever decision you make will be the right one. Even if you don't know it is at the time, it is. And that did bother me too, knowing my kids would have different Dads. But then thinking about it, I'm still their mother. And if it's obvious that there from 2 different guys, I mean so what?? Screw what people have to say, because at the end of the day, you can say "those are my children." My sister in law has a black child, 2 white children and one with developmental disabilities. And she seems just fine. Society can look at ANY situation and bash on it if they want to. You know? Abortion is a decision that we as women are allowed to make. And some cases, it's the best decision. But either way, whatever decision you make is what's best for you. But good luck hun, I hope everything works out for you.