I don't know if the kids are enough to keep me alive anymore

• 07-07-2009 7:31 AM

  melonjuice Joined on 07-13-2006 southampton, england Posts 87

  I don't know if the kids are enough to keep me alive anymore Reply Contact I'm pregnant with my third and have a long history with depression. Before i fell pregnant with my daughter, i was a mess, i drank too much and would overdose often, resulting in a permenantley bad liver. When i found out i was pregnant i stopped, she saved me from myself, i couldn't imagine being depressed ever again. Me and her father fianlly married last december and now i'm pregnant with our third. Problem being about 15mins ago i discovered a whole stash of porn on the computer. I have a history of sexual abuse datinbg back from the age of 7 so you can imagine how i feel about porn. He used to hit me and cheat alot but since he stopped drinking 11 months ago i thought he had changed, hence the marriage. Stupid me! I can't tell you how betrayed and hurt i feel. for nearly 4 years i put up with him beating the *** out of me, sleeping around and treating me and the kids like crap, and i stood by him, why?! The kids were always enough to keep me going and stop me from going back to how i used to be, but now i can't help but think about drinking, taking a load of pills and ending this once and for all. How can i be a good mother to the kids if i allow myself to have a life of crap? I really do feel that they would be better off with someone who can actually teach them values, they can't get that from me. H x

• 07-07-2009 9:18 AM

  In reply to

  hopeful_mommy Joined on 04-23-2009 Iowa Due: 12/17/09 Posts 162

  Re: I don't know if the kids are enough to keep me alive anymore Reply Contact As I said in the last post I responded yto that you wrote. It does not sound as if you are the one w/ the problem w/ values or morals here. It sounds to me as if your husband may be the one w/ the problem. If you are not arpund to love, shelter, raise and protect your children then that job would be left to your husband. From what you have said about him it does not sound as if that would be a very good place for them to be, correct? I also have suffered many years of deppression. I am on medications for depression, anxiety, and a personality disorder. I have also dealt w/ many problemsin the past w/ substance abuse and suicide. I have been in your shoes many times. I guess right now I am just someone on the outside looking in on your situation and I see that you are not the one w/ the problem. It is your husband. You need to remember that you have been very strong this far, dealing w/ this stuff, so why not kkep it up and get out? I just think that you sound as if you are a stronger woman than what yo are giving yourself credit for. I said in my other post that things can only get better and that is exactly true! I hope you sit and seriously think about some of these points I have made and do not make any rash decisions. Feel free to write to me any time. I hope things get better soon!!!!

• 07-11-2009 9:13 PM

  In reply to

  ~willowtree~ Joined on 04-29-2009 Posts 287

  Re: I don't know if the kids are enough to keep me alive anymore Reply Contact bless your heart, it sounds like you are in SUCH a tight spot! but you have been strong, and i bet part of the reason you are so bummed out and depressed right now is that you are actually facing up to facts. yay for you; but i know it really sucks to look at how things really are/have been. i also have been in an abusive situation for four years, and i'm pregnant with my third. i don't think my situation was nearly as intense as yours---mainly verbal and emotional abuse-----but the very BEST thing i ever did was leave a few months ago. i don't know why i didn't before, and getting to that place is something only you can do, but i highly recommend getting away if only just to get a break and clear your head! it helped me so much! oddly, my husband complied with all my requests---- try to check yourself in, get into counseling, go on medication, go to marriage counseling and really work on it, NO selling drugs(!), no sleeping until 2 p.m., stop blaming me for your problems, etc. i was very clear, and he has done them all. we got back together after a month, and he is working hard at changing, and i have stayed. our relationship is starting to blossom again, but he knows that if certain behaviour surfaces again, the kids and i will be gone the next day, because something changed in me. i don't know what it was, but i am not the same woman that stayed for four years because it theoretically was "getting better". i pray you will find strength and wisdom to keep on, for your children's sake, and because YOU deserve to be in a healthy relationship.  i hope my story is at least sort of helpful. and i agree with PP, if you were out of the situation, your children would be in a FAR worse situation...... hugs