Pregnant and father just entered detox - for heroin

• 07-22-2009 9:24 AM

  sillyjilly1010 Joined on 07-22-2009 Posts 2

  Pregnant and father just entered detox - for heroin Reply Contact Okay Im bad at sharing anything personal but due to my nervous breakdown I think its best I let it out as I desperately need help. Four days ago I kicked out my boyfriend. He had addiction problems for years and has been in and out of rehabs a lot. I am almost five months pregnant and we were both excited about this baby. He has relapsed a few times in the past few months even if just for a day or so on sniffing heroin-horrible I know. Then he goes away to a rehab or whatever and begs me if he can come home and in the past I said yes almost immediately. Last month, he left b/c we argued and he got high and went to a detox again. He asked me if he could come home I said no I can't do this anymore. He said he had to respect that and he wanted to get help so he never does this to me again. After two weeks I was missing him, being broke and scared and fighting eviction. So I said ok come home I love you and need you to help me. The conditions were him getting help going to meetings everyday,etc. He came home with so much love and was so sorry and swore he wanted to be a better man and was willing to work at it. I was so happy but still very catious. My family even took him to meetings,etc. After about two weeks he began the antsiness of dealing with life sober and was getting depressed as he couldnt find work and it was very stressful. I did so much to make sure he couldnt even get high if he wanted to. I tried being supportive but Im also working two jobs one as a cocktail waitress which he hated. I didnt let him hold any money, even gave him this medication every day that blocks opiate addicts from being able to get high. I did everything to make it impossible for him to do drugs. About two weeks ago he was being very moody and cold and mean to me just verbally abusive really. He would take "walks" and disappear but always had a normal excuse. I kept accusing him of geting high b/c I knew in my gut and by looking at him something was wrong. He swore he wasnt so i thought maybe he was cheating on me. I had to alsmost beg him 2 go 2 meetings and argued if he wasnt gonna keep his word he'd have to leave. Then he'd go to one 2 shut me up i guess. He started talking to some guy who is my neighbor and also a recovering addict but I swore the guy was shady and told him i thought something was up. My own family told me I was too controlling and paranoid but lo n behold I come to find out this guy pretty muched helped my bf get back into drugs and this time hes shooting it. He was terrified of needles and doesnt even know how to do it so I know this guy pretty much stuck a needle in his arm. Im horrified. Friday nite my bf called me to say hes still sick and cant come all the way into the city to get me from work so I flipped out and came home real late. He accused me of cheating and went out to make me "know how it feels". Next day Im getting ready to go to the bar again and he was being mean and I said u know what you should just pack your *** and leave b/c its bad enough your a jerk to me but now i know ur cheating so u need to go. He swore he wasnt cheating but said he was doing something bad and now hes scared he could die. I was so mad & hurt I told him,"u dont care how I feel so why should i listen to you and help you?" He begged me to talk to him and I said no we fought and he tried to get my phone and hurt my arm real bad so I screamed get the hell out before i call the cops. He left, called me from a cab asking if im ok. I said of course not and how are u in a cab u arent even working u cant pay a bill i do everything n u have cab money???? He told me hed been selling drugs here and there to support his heroin habit and he almost died the other day and is on his way to detox. I lost it and said how can u do this to me and our baby? he said hes so sorry and he'd come back and talk to me but i told him i had to work. I wish Id have stayed n talked to him n figured out a plan together i mean were having a baby in december. My mom and stepdad got him into a hospital and told me hes going away for a long time like months or a year. I was like wow thanks for deciding that im doing this all alone which is financially impossible and i really think he should be around for our baby. Of course I want him to get help first but I havent heard from him since and Im so lost. I dont know if hes ever coming back. How can he just disappear when i need him most? im so depressed and angry and am trying to be stong for the baby but im probably going to lose my home as ill need to stop working and am alone. i want him there for our baby and feel so sad hes not around to hold me or hug me or help me. I know he needs to be away right now but i think its selfish to be gone for months or longer. I dont know how he could be so selfish when he sees me trying so hard to keep it all together for us. He threw our life away and i cant understand how someone can abandon their unborn baby. Im devastated I never thought my first pregnancy would be like this. Why werent we important enough to try for? and what do i do now? all our plans are gone now i cant even paint the babys room b/c ill be homeless soon. I cant believe i let a "man" take everything from me and ruin my life. ive never been this stupid and i just wanted to help him so we could have a good life. My mother is telling me its all my fault i decided to have this baby so i did this to myself. I never expected hed go this far or choose drugs over us with all the help he was getting. its like he just didnt care. Im so so so lost. What am i supposed to do now?

• 07-22-2009 9:51 AM

  In reply to

  Crystal3473189 Joined on 07-22-2009 Posts 1

  Re: Pregnant and father just entered detox - for heroin Reply Contact Hi, it sounds like you are really at your wits-end with this situation. I want to congratulate you for getting this all out especially on a public forum. I can already tell that you are going to be a strong mother who knows what is important for your child. If you wouldn't mind I'd like to give you a bit of advice that popped into my head while reading your post. I feel that you would really benefit by having some type of support group. It can be hard to take the first step, but try to find a "partners of addicts" support group. Having women who are dealing with the same situation or just another woman to listen to you will help you get this stuff out so you are not harboring anxiety and passing it on to your baby. Is sounds like your mother is not someone who you can turn to at this point. I'm glad to hear that your partner is going to rehab. The longer he goes now, the better father he will be to your baby. If he isn't sober, he is going to make your child's life very difficult in the future. Stay strong hunny. He might not be your main support throughout this process. He definately isn't right now. You are going to have to find an alternative. This may be a good friend, a sister, cousin, family friend, maybe your mom. If not these people, then someone from a support group, church group (even if you don't agree with certain religions, its the community of people that is important). Have you thought of having a doula to support your through birth? If you need help finding a free doula in your area I can help. I normally wouldn't respond to a post, but I respect that you are reaching out at a time when you really need help. I think that alone is something that makes a woman strong. Good for you. Hang in there sweety! You can email me at borth1234@aol.com if you'd like. Warmly, Brooke

• 07-22-2009 9:59 AM

  In reply to

  MookieNBuddiesmommy Joined on 06-13-2009 Posts 108

  Re: Pregnant and father just entered detox - for heroin Reply Contact I am so sorry you are going through this! Ok so there is a lot in there so please don't take my responce the wrong way. I have gone through this with my husband for a few years now. Let me say it could get better if you stay out of it. Addiction is an illness and YOU CAN NOT control it. Let him figure it out himself, otherwise you making him go to meetings is enabling etc. I know it is hard and I have had to do it as well. Let him fall on his face and he has to hit rock bottom. You need to do what is best for you and baby right now and that isn't staying with him. I had to keep my husband out for over a year just so he could figure it out and it was so hard, i already had 2 children at the time. But, there is nothing you can do or say that will make him stop using. He has to do it himself and right now he doesn't want it. The best thing you can do for yourself is to find an alanon meeting in your area and go! You can't blame the neighbor because your bf took part in it and addicts will do whatever they need to to get high. It's a progressive disease that only gets worse. Know in the long run if you decide to stay it will be something you deal with for the rest of your/his life. People do get clean and stay clean but it's hard and a HUGE commitment. As far as your mom, she is right you did make the decision to have this baby. But, you are a woman and a mother and you will be fine. Even though it seems hopeless right now, it does get better. I PROMISE YOU! Feel free to send me a message I would be more than happy to talk with you more. I am praying for you and your baby.

• 07-27-2009 8:54 AM

  In reply to

  sillyjilly1010 Joined on 07-22-2009 Posts 2

  Re: Pregnant and father just entered detox - for heroin Reply Contact Brooke, your response was so comforting to me I can't express my thanks enough. Your warm and encouraging words brought tears to my eyes. Ok, I know I'm hormonal but you really helped me a lot. Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time and having such warm and powerful words for me to read when I need it most! I question my strength every day and tend to keep everything inside but it's great to know someones out there who cares. I am definitely taking your suggestion and have researched support groups in my area (Queens,NY) and am actually starting individual therapy this week as I need to deal with this and want to do what's best for my baby. I actually really wanted a doula early on but found out it's not covered by my insurance and I can't afford it. Your offer to help with that as well is greatly appreciated and I can't thank you enough. I'm going to email you at the address you posted. I feel better just knowing there are people like you in the world, you are an angel!

• 08-05-2009 10:09 PM

  In reply to

  deemarie1223 Joined on 06-27-2009 Posts 384

  Re: Pregnant and father just entered detox - for heroin Reply Contact addiction is a disease.  i wont go into detail, but i have extensive first hand experience with this.  i know your alone and scared, but he needs to be away for a long time to get the full benefit.  he is not selfish, him doing this is the most unselfish thing he could do for you and your baby.  i agree with pp, find an alanon group in your area, and just hold on tight.  its a long, tough road, but let me tell you...so very worth it in the end!  hes not intentionally hurting you, he doesnt like doing it, and i know thats hard for you to understand, but thats the truth!  let him go through this, support him, WHEN u can, but dont go out of your way cuz your number one priority is your baby!  in the end, if he takes rehab serious and grabs all he can from it, you will find you have a whole new man...and you will soon come to take this time as the best thing he has ever done for you!  good luck, i know all too much about this evil, life destructing disease....esp an opiate addiction!

• 11-14-2009 7:27 AM

  In reply to

  Katie3546220 Joined on 09-26-2009 Louisville EDD June 18, 2010 Posts 115

  Re: Pregnant and father just entered detox - for heroin Reply Contact Hi. I just wanted to ask how are you doing now? Is your bf still in rehab? The only reason I ask is b/c my ex husband was addicted to meth, crack, pills you name it he did it all. I was married to him for 12 yrs and in the beginning it was not that bad and after 2yrs it went down hill. I thought I could save him and it was my duty to save him (let me add I did not have children with him and so it was easier in my situation than in yours). The only thing I realized is I was enabling him. The drugs became him. I sat and wondered the same thing why didn't he love me more than the drugs but I firgured out he didn't love himself so how could he love me. I tried everything to keep him off the drugs but it never worked. I went through many sleepless nights wondering if he was dead or not. I would not see him for weeks and he did not hold a job and any money he would get he would spend on drugs so I was supporting us both. I finally woke up and realized I have to save myself. You are not alone in this. You are a strong women! You can do this without him. He has to want it. Do not give yourself false hope. Do what is best for you and your baby. I hope I did not offend you in anyway, but I do know what it is like to live with an addict. It is a hard road. But I do want to let you know that there is life out there. You can be happy and you can be loved. You can enjoy your life. After I left him I found a whole new life yes I struggled but I was struggling with him. The struggle was less stressen b/c I did not have his worrys. Eventually my life became mine and it change drastically I enjoyed my life. I did eventually meet a man and this man is my soul mate. We are now having our first baby. I could not be happier and none of this would not ever have happened if I stayed. I am crying as I am writing this. Everyone is different and have different needs. I just want you to know you are not alone. Whatever choice you make you make for you and your baby. Just know that it may not be easy if you go back and if he changes then amen to that b/c my ex couldn't and wouldn't. My story can be longer I have 12yrs worth of built up emotions from my past.