I'm trying to find peace for my fears.
I am 11.5 weeks pregnant for my third baby.
I have two other children, one boy 16, and one girl, who died at 5, when I was 29, today she would be 14. My daughter was born without incident though at about 5 months started to fall short of some developmental markers. At 8 months she received a diagnosis of CP and at 2 severe epilepsy. There is a long story here~ at five she died and I loved her, more than anything I ever thought possible. Completely and unconditionally. And the 'disability' was never really fought in our house, we accepted her and though there was loss and sadness initially i was peaceful in loving her and comfortable with who she was.
My husband left my son and I a year after she died and moved to another state. I spent 6 years raising him on my own and healing. That brought him to 14 years old, I was 36 and worked part time and volunteered as a pediatric hospice support person and facilitated support groups.
At that time I met my new partner and with his patience have been brave enough to expand on our family. We discussed a baby with my son and he was thrilled, this would be the first baby for my partner, we began trying in July. We were all shocked, well, my son didn't think anything of it, but, my partner and I were quite surprised to become pregnant immediately.
I have excellent pre-natal care and my baby is growing as it should and I am healthy, I am now 38.
I am just also terrified.
Not of the baby having a problem, of the baby dying. I feel like my heart is big enough for any baby, I pray he/she is healthy, but I am not worried about what I would do if there was an issue. I am terrified that he/she may die. Completely.
I have a lot of support and I have attended quite a few pediatric deaths in the last 4 years with lasting relationships with some of the moms. They have an intuitive understanding of my vulnerability, and my friends who got the chance to witness my daughters grace understand too.
I guess part of the problem is that I feel ashamed that I am not just happy and excited. In my deep heart I am excited, I am just afraid to let it out. I feel that when ellymae may died my heart broke and I am proud to have made it through and to have taken all that happened and become who I am today.....I just feel like, literally I would fall away if that happened again, my child, dying in my arms. I take what she gave me and help others through it.....but I'm scared.