Pregnant ,just after breaking up! Now what?

• 02-23-2008 6:56 AM

  Pregnant ,just after breaking up! Now what? Mark as Not AnswerMark as Answer... Reply Contact What do you do if you do not intend marrying the Dad and not sure how he would react to the news as far as visitations and such. I know he wants to marry me and have a baby, but so far I'm not telling him and we are not together. I'm scared he may demand partial custody and the whole visitation nightmare. It seems it's going to be just like a divorced coupe must have to go through? He is well off financially and mentioned once he would provide everything I needed if we ever did have a baby. Since he lives several hours away how does it work between us and visits and such. Do I really have to tell him? I'm getting mixed feelings from my sisters about it both ways. I'm just a month along so far so I have time. It is my first pregnancy but I have an adopted daughter. I 've never been married just as he hasn't. He is 50 and I'm nearly 40. Thanks so much for any thoughts about it.

• 02-23-2008 2:21 PM

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  mommain08 Joined on 12-19-2007 Posts 91

  Re: Pregnant ,just after breaking up! Now what? Reply Contact I was sorta in the same position, my baby's dad is a wonderful man but has a lot of trouble with PTSD since he came home from Iraq, so sometimes he just pushes people out of his life basically. when i found out about the baby i hadn't heard from him since the baby was made weeks before. my family also was very opinionated on the situation and i was pressured not to tell him, but in the end i knew it was the right thing to do. the baby was a big shock to him but he said from the beginning he wants to be a part of the baby's life. at this point we're still not back together but we have had many talks about how we are going to do this. one thing in particular I'm not going to do is go through the courts and he agrees, this is our baby and the courts have no say in it. he is allowed to see the baby whenever he wants, but for awhile the baby won't be away from me at all. i don't know what will happen when the baby gets older, but i trust we can work it out because we both want what's best for baby. we also haven't worked out how much he'll pay in child support but I'm not really worried about it, i know he wouldn't let his baby go without. every situation is different, i just knew that my baby deserved to have her/his dad.

• 02-23-2008 9:53 PM

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  	Re: Pregnant ,just after breaking up! Now what? Mark as Not AnswerMark as Answer... Reply Contact Thankyou so very much! It helps to hear your story. Congratulations on your wonderful new life blossoming!

• 02-25-2008 6:32 PM

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  twilightfaery Joined on 01-29-2008 Florida Posts 54

  Re: Pregnant ,just after breaking up! Now what? Reply Contact Oh lord, hun, of course you have to tell him! If he were a bad guy, I'd say keep it from him or tell him the baby wasn't his, but that doesn't seem to be the case. But I do understand what you're going through. My fiance and I split up back around the end of august, and found out a couple of weeks later I was pregnant. As soon as I saw the lines on the test, I just wanted to cry. It was just the worst timing because we were having bad problems, and I knew he would want to get back together right away, without taking the time to fix our relationship. We did try to patch things up, but he passed away at the end of september. Just be thankful he is willing to help, you could be stuck with a deadbeat. Hopefully you two can work this out like adults, because even if you don't get back together, both of you owe it to your child to be good parents, be it together or separate.

• 02-27-2008 8:46 AM

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  jacobpapp Joined on 08-19-2007 Posts 69	Re: Pregnant ,just after breaking up! Now what? Reply Contact unfortunately, you have to tell him. It will be hard, but you can do it. Your baby needs a daddy, if he is not a bad guy.

• 03-17-2008 11:23 PM

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  HopeingForTheBest11 Joined on 02-15-2008 Glen Burnie, Maryland Posts 16

  Re: Pregnant ,just after breaking up! Now what? Reply Contact I am so glad you posted this! Now I know Im not the only one!! My ex and I arent together and I found out I was pregnant not long after we broke up. Of course he was the first person I called when I took the test and he wanted me to get rid of it (butthead). But things are going ok for us right now. He soon leaves for boot camp and is talking about maybe working things out when he is done boot camp. But I still dont know. We honestly agree that we are better off friends. But who knows what could happen! I would definitely tell him. You never know he could be the best support that you need at this time. Just sit down and talk to him and try to work things out. Cuz I know you will both want whats best for baby. Good luck!

• 03-18-2008 12:02 AM

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  eno2697370 Joined on 03-16-2008 Posts 3

  Re: Pregnant ,just after breaking up! Now what? Reply Contact Hi girl i feel you its so sad when u find out stuff lie that but kind be kinda really bad when both of you still have something very special going and you discover you're pregnant and he sayds he's not ready,..neither are you anyway..thats wat happened to me but since am going to be thirty in a few months i decided to keep my baby agianst all odds and he's kinda come around but i won't say he's 100 supportive but i guess we will get there. i feel u

  Filed under: eno

• 03-18-2008 6:36 AM

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  Re: Pregnant ,just after breaking up! Now what? Mark as Not AnswerMark as Answer... Reply Contact Hey there, Thanks so much for replying and being supportive. I have precious few of that at the moment. My entire family are entirely horrified I'm pregnant. I am still undecided about telling the Dad, but I believe in the Almighty love and care of my Heavenly Father and expect God will tell me what to do when the time comes. Thanks again and God bless you and keep you safe and happy right now!

• 03-18-2008 6:43 AM

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  Re: Pregnant ,just after breaking up! Now what? Mark as Not AnswerMark as Answer... Reply Contact Hi there, "Hoping the the Best", Thanks for writing. I'd almost forgotten I'd posted that and am very thankful for input. Yes, it is nice to hear someone in a similar state albeit not so pleasant. Far from the ideal, but God is not taken suprise by anything! I too went running to the Dad to tell him first right after the $ Store preg. test but the sweet guy was too busy working on Valentines Day and the following weekend and subsequent two weeks for that matter. That was an odd show for him, but it afforded me time to settle my emotions and tell my family first. For now I'm not focusing on the issue of telling him, but trying to just keep trusting my future and my family's into God's careful and loving hands. When the time for change is right, I trust God will tell me what to do. He is good and faithful, and especially in traumatic life events such as this. I have an OB appt. today and hope the hear the heartbeat but I'm just 10wks along so,,, I've never been pregnant and find this all fascinating in any case! All the best to you! Thanks again!

• 04-22-2008 11:18 AM

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  Melissa 10-31 Joined on 04-21-2008 Arlington Heights, IL Posts 6

  Re: Pregnant ,just after breaking up! Now what? Reply Contact I completely understand. We broke up a week before i found out, and when i told him, he said to call him when i have the baby. Nice, huh. He says he will pay, but I dont really know what we will do about visitation. Its not like he can take my newborn for a weekend when I am breastfeeding. I asked him for help with the medical bills and he said its not his responsibility. Anybody know if thats true??? thanks, Melissa

• 04-23-2008 10:41 PM

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  Re: Pregnant ,just after breaking up! Now what? Mark as Not AnswerMark as Answer... Reply Contact Hi Melissa, Yeah, this is tough stuff to deal with. Children are precious, innocent and in need of protection and all of our very best. I've thought of that too about visitations while breastfeeding, which I intend to do for well past the first year hopefully. I thought the father is required to help with med. bills during pregnancy? Mercy, that just steams me up! I would call your local women's health/support group and start finding out. Or start with your own insurance company with some Q & A's. I would also start educating yourself online with all the legal advice available concerning your situation in your specific state. Hopefully it won't require a paid visit with a lawyer, but it may have to come to that and better off sooner than later if the guy is starting off this bad. Hopefully he will warm up alot with the actual birth of the baby and not make it all about himself or trying to punish you for what he's done as well. All the best to you! It sounds like you are already beginning your inquiries along the right route. I encourage you to keep it up and know you are doing so for the benefit of your precious baby who deserves it! Pamela

• 06-11-2008 8:00 AM

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  mommy2be1008 Joined on 06-10-2008 Baltimore, MD Posts 94

  Re: Pregnant ,just after breaking up! Now what? Reply Contact Hi, I am in a similar situation as you. I was dating this guy over christmas break. We were good friends before and still are. We still talk and he knows that I am pregnant and that it's his. but when I found I was pregnant I had no clue what I was going to do. my family is being supportive and so is he, he has told me that he wants to be there for everything, but trying to get a hold of him all the time is hard, because we both work and his schedule is different then mine. he also has a new girlfriend, who does know about everything and is supporting him, but still is sore about everything. I do know the girl(we went to high school together, she graduated the year before me). my family keeps telling me I need to get a paternity test done, so I can go after child support and everything, but I am scared to do it. I know I should, just to look out for me and the baby, but I still dont want to. visitation, I have no clue. I know I am not going to deny him visitation of the child, I mean it's his too. I just dont know what to do about everything else. so dont worry, there are others out there that are in similar situations like you. the father and I broke up after only dating for a month and a half(the whole time I was home on christmas break). and then he got together with the new girl not that long afterwards. ugh why does everything have to be sooo complicated. good luck with everything!!!!!

• 06-11-2008 3:00 PM

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  Re: Pregnant ,just after breaking up! Now what? Mark as Not AnswerMark as Answer... Reply Contact Thankyou for replying and sharing your story. There is life after pregnancy and the gift of a new one once you hold your new little one. It still doesn't seem very real. I am finding many suprising support people at my church as I've finally began sharing the news since I'm 5 1/2 mo. along and beginning to show now. My local Caring Pregnancy Center has been a god-send as well. I go there and watch pregnancy videos and talk to great people who don't judge. I hope you can find one in your area. Call or look it up online about Child support issues. I did and found out the bare minumum for both parents making minimum wage is about $385 mo. Medical insurance has to be maintained and paternity confirmed once the baby is born. Can you do the paternity test before birth? I didn't think so. My guy wants to marry me in the worst way, but I am waiting to know for absolute certain that is God's perfect will admist a very imperfect circumstance. He has the wisest future in mind of every one of us if we ask Him and I fully intend to wait for that assurance before the permanence of marriage. That is great your baby's Dad is supportive. Don't be shy to tell him about your current expenses incurred by the pregnancy; maternity clothes , baby stuff,(lab fees not covered by insurance as in my case $1,000). He will be clueless otherwise no doubt and should be aware it is costing you even now and he should contribute although I do not believe he can be legally obligated. If he does not contribute it will give you some idea of just how supportive he may or may not be in the future unless forced legally. Just a thought. Visitations are the scariest part of this whole thing for me. I perish the thought of having my new little girl having to leave me to visit elsewhere. God bless you in your search for His perfect answers in an imperfect situation. I hope you are finding lots of support people to talk to and keeping yourself positive while your baby grows. It's an exciting time and I've purposed in my mind to enjoy as much of the miracle of pregnancy as I can. Ever heard of a Doula? It's an attentive, trained birth assistant. All His best to you and your little miracle!

• 07-13-2008 8:08 PM

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  UberBiz Joined on 06-08-2004 Maywood, NJ Posts 34

  Re: Pregnant ,just after breaking up! Now what? Reply Contact Momma, tell him, and let him decide how involved he wants to be. I have a very good friend who is over 40 and has a 3 year old now and she is a very successful single mother. The father of her son sees him on a regular visitation schedule of HER choosing because she knew how to work the system. If you are worried about visitation and custody issues, speak with a lawyer and let him know your concerns and ask what you need to do to get it how YOU want it. If he's a nice guy and wants to be there for the kid, then there shouldn't be any kind of "battle," kwim? It's not a bad thing for ac hild to have a part-time parent if they are really truly involved and interested and love the child

• 07-14-2008 5:54 AM

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  Re: Pregnant ,just after breaking up! Now what? Mark as Not AnswerMark as Answer... Reply Contact Thankyou for your input. I truly appreciate it. I have since told the dad and he very much wants to be involved and would prefer that I marry him today and be around always. I don't see that happening since we've dated off and on for 3yr. and I'm still not in love with him. I am nervous about the future legal issues and am not sure if the State appointed legal system can help me with arranging the best possible custody/visitations plan I would like? I am not well off financially, but the dad IS. That worries me too. Yes, I agree, even a part time dad who is very loving will be a benefit to the child. I expect that is the role he will play. The scary part is that he may want custody someday or at least shared and have this little girl for extended periods of time. That is my worst nightmare. This is his first and only child as well and most likely his last. In any case, thankyou once again and God bless you and your loved ones. God has a much better plan in mind than I could ever dream up and I will move ahead in peace just as He reveals what step He wants me to take. ;o)