Terrible grief!

• 07-14-2008 9:31 PM

  TinaBeena Joined on 07-14-2008 Posts 3

  Terrible grief! Reply Contact I'm Tina, and I'm going through the most devastating time of my life. I went on my due date 6-27-08 for a checkup and the obgyn couldn't find my baby's heartbeat...she was just moving the day before. This was my third and "final" pregnancy (My husband got a vasectomy when I became 22 weeks along....I've got 2 beautiful sons that were excited about their soon-to-be-arriving sister). There were no indications of anything wrong. I was proportionate, grew appropriately, everything was right on track. Then all of a sudden, when we expected the doctor to tell us when he thought we'd be delivering, told us that our daughter had died and he had no idea why. They admitted me, induced me, and the next morning I gave birth to my beautiful sleeping angel who I will never get to hear cry for me, I'll never get to nurse her, hold her and comfort her the way I did the boys, I'll never get to bring her home or raise her, or teach her or sing to her or read to her. I only get to cry for her and ache for her and yearn to hold her and to stroke her soft cheek. I just lost my dad who was only 56 just 7 wks to the day prior to this and she was being named after him; he was so proud. Why? I am so angry at God! I still love and serve Him and always will, but I do not think I"ll ever understand this side of eternity why I wasn't allowed to have her. If God was only going to take her like that, why wait til my due date? There was nothing physically wrong with her! I cringe when people tell me "well it's just for the best...there might've been something wrong with her" or "I know" knowing they have no clue how I feel. What am I supposed to say when people say "where's the baby" when we're around people who know our family, but haven't heard? A third of my heart has been ripped out and has been buried with my little girl behind my daddy's grave. I think I could be losing my mind. I hurt soooooo badly!!!!! What do I do now? I've taken all the gifts back to get cash back to put down on funeral bills, grave sites, and headstones. But I should be taking back newborne diapers because she graduated to the next size up, not because she didn't live to wear them! How cruel!!!! I wish I could lay beside her at night just to keep her company and to let her know: Momma's here, momma's here.

• 07-15-2008 12:12 PM

  In reply to

  lisa2905379 Joined on 06-18-2008 Mississippi Posts 28

  Re: Terrible grief! Reply Contact I just ran across this post.......I am so sorry. And I'm sorry that I have no idea how you feel, as I have never been through this before and pray that it never happens, to anyone, but I know that it does. I guess I just want to say that God did not take her and had nothing to do with it. ANYTHING negetive comes from the devil. God would not want anything but for you and your family to have her as your own and for her to enjoy her life with you. Now, He may use this for your growth in some way, or inspire you to help others in this situation, I don't know; something good and posititve can come from this when God is involved. My heart goes out to you and I will be praying for you and your family. You just take care of yourself - you are still here - and pray. God can help you get some sort of handle on this. He is there for you, just bring Him all of your feelings - even your anger and confusion about why He would allow it. Just know that He has set up limitations on Himself and He doesn't automatically get involved. Just pray for His help in sorting out your feelings and ask for strenghth to get through this. Just please know that your little girl loves you and is with God right now. As long as you are alive and on this earth, she is alive in heaven, growing up right along with you, waiting for you to come home. You, obviously, still have some work to do down here, though, that must get done. She's watching you and loving you and waiting on you. When you get to heaven, she will be the same age as she would've been on this earth, had she lived, but you will know her, instantly. You will get eternity with your daughter, so thank God for that - you will see her, again. Untill then, if you just have to live day by day, minute by minute, you deal with only what you can. Cry when you need to cry, be angry when you need to be angry, etc.....Don't be afraid to ask for help. I don't know how many people check this board, but I"m glad I came across your post - you will have my prayers. Much, much love to you and your family - you're going to get through this, I know it; I hope you know it, too. LP*

• 07-15-2008 12:55 PM

  In reply to

  Kelley420 Joined on 02-02-2006 Dallas, Ga Posts 1,744	Re: Terrible grief! Reply Contact I saw your post on the main page and had to respond. I am so, so, so sorry. I've had 3 miscarriages, but never could imagine having a loss when you're at your due date. I will be praying for you and your precious angel. BIG HUGS...

• 07-15-2008 7:18 PM

  In reply to

  Mommy2AngelConner Joined on 02-15-2006 Angel Conner 8.18.06-8.20.06 & Mason Conner8.31.08 Posts 159

  Re: Terrible grief! Reply Contact Hi, I saw your post as well and had to reply.  I don't think that the Stillbirth board is very active but there is another board called Mothers of Angels (under the Parenting section) that is a bit more active.  You can read stories there of women who suffered a pregnancy loss (such as myself) and realize that you are not alone in this journey.  I can relate to how you feel because I lost my son in my third trimester (at almost 32 weeks.)  It was completely unexpected.  I never expected to lose a baby but, then again, who does?  Like you, I felt extremely lost, angry, hopeless, and depressed for an extremely long time.  It will be two years in about a month and the grief to me, although not quite as strong as in the beginning, still comes in waves.  Life can be very unfair and, although we don't always understand the "why's", try to find the lesson amidst the suffering.  Mari   Conner's Memorial Website: http://www.freewebs.com/connerdavid/index.htm

• 07-19-2008 1:05 PM

  In reply to

  havingmysoulmatesbaby Joined on 10-28-2007 Montana Posts 74

  Re: Terrible grief! Reply Contact I am crying for you & I pray that you will feel God's loving, supportive arms wrapped around you. Please know that your daughter is with Him & that you WILL see her again some day. "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." Mark 10:14 My heart is aching for you......I just don't know what else to say....

• 07-26-2008 7:52 PM

  In reply to

  Rhandi01 Joined on 02-01-2004 Posts 227

  Re: Terrible grief! Reply Contact I'm so sorry for what happened to you. Everytime I read a new post from a new mom it just breaks my heart. I lost my son 19 hours after a full term delivery to Group B Strep. Mari and I both lost our sons around the same time and are both on the MOA boards. I know all to well the emotions you are going through. If you ever want to talk privately please email me at rhandi01@hotmail. I'm all too familiar with those sleepless nights and all the emotions that go along with it. Just remember to allow yourself to grieve and that there is no time period for anything. Take care of yourself and we are here if you need anything. (((Hugs)) Rhandi

• 07-28-2008 2:30 PM

  In reply to

  Sarah 2007 Joined on 07-24-2006 Posts 70

  Re: Terrible grief! Reply Contact I am sorry to hear about your loss... I dont know how you feel, however my Sister lost her daughter the same way.  She went in on her due date and the Dr could not find the heart beat... the Dr told her the baby passed because of down syndrom... we were allconfused... all teh test came back normal... the Dr then said "well its not like it doesnt run in the family"  Our sister has hydro syphilis which IS NOT downs... it turns out the baby got the cord around its neck... She has been having a very hard time (it was her first baby) but is doing better now... but in our area there is a group called Mothers of angels... you go and meet with other mothers who have lost, and it might be helpful... good luck and best wishes!!

• 07-28-2008 3:31 PM

  In reply to

  kiki_marie Joined on 03-26-2008 CO Posts 135	Re: Terrible grief! Reply Contact TeenaBeena, I am so sorry for your loss!! I hope that your heart can be healed and your pain eased!! I will be praying for you. MUCH LOVE!!

• 07-31-2008 8:44 PM

  In reply to

  TinaBeena Joined on 07-14-2008 Posts 3

  Re: Terrible grief! Reply Contact Thank you for your poignant response. It touched my broken heart. Tell me though, I've never heard of what you wrote...that the child "ages" in heaven like she would've on earth...would you expand on this concept as it is new to me. I must admit I am a spiritual person, but never considered that before. I know the Bible says we will be known as we were known, but I like the idea that she's growing up even if in heaven. Thank you. And please, don't stop praying for me yet. I am having a very tough time. I'm thinking of getting my baby's footprints tattooed on the inside of my wrist so I can hug it like I would've her. Please write back. I really need a friend who understands me right now. Tina

• 07-31-2008 9:04 PM

  In reply to

  TinaBeena Joined on 07-14-2008 Posts 3

  Re: Terrible grief! Reply Contact Thank you for your poignant response. It touched my broken heart. Tell me though, I've never heard of what you wrote...that the child "ages" in heaven like she would've on earth...would you expand on this concept as it is new to me. I must admit I am a spiritual person, but never considered that before. I know the Bible says we will be known as we were known, but I like the idea that she's growing up even if in heaven. Thank you. And please, don't stop praying for me yet. I am having a very tough time. I'm thinking of getting my baby's footprints tattooed on the inside of my wrist so I can hug it like I would've her. Please write back. I really need a friend who understands me right now.