Advice on my Mother

• 08-21-2008 3:57 PM

  Deon2682 Joined on 03-23-2008 Flagstaff, AZ Posts 253

  Advice on my Mother Reply Contact Well, I am 36 weeks now, ready to go any day!  My husband and I have prepared for our birth in many ways and are really looking forward to it.  I am using hypnobirthing and my husband and our friend/ birth partner have both prepared for it with me and my doula.  The problem I am having is my mother.  I love my mother, but she has a tendancy to divert attention to her and try to control situations, in general.  The most recent show of this was at my baby shower that she helped plan.  By the end of the shower, no one could even stand to be in the same room as her-she has a propencity for over-reacting and getting all anxious and worked up...I digress. So, my issue is, I really want to be able to share the experience of the birth of the first grandchild on both sides of the family with the grandmothers to be, but I am nervous about how my mother will act when she is invited into the birthing room.  And, she seemed really bummed when I informed her that she would not be in the room to help during labor.  My plan is to invite her and my motehr in law in when crowning and pushing begins.  SO I feel stuck.  I want to share this with her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her that she is not allowed to speak, but that's how I feel. Any advice would be greatly appreciated on how to handle this with the best possible outcome and without hurting someone's feelings...

• 08-22-2008 10:25 PM

  In reply to

  Crystal3020138 Joined on 08-22-2008 Posts 22

  Re: Advice on my Mother Reply Contact If you're delivering in a hospital recruit your nurse. I'm a L&D nurse and we can be your best ally in orchestrating who is in, who is out, where they stand and how involved they are. Just make your wishes known to your nurse and most will tactfully know when to usher those who are wanted in to the birth suite, and give your implicit directions for you (but coming from a 3rd party so it's not so difficult for you and the grandmas-to-be). If you deliver in a birthing center, consider having your doula fill this role momentarily, just remember this is YOUR birth experience and in, or out, these grandmas will be just as happy to be blessed with a new grandbaby to love.

• 08-23-2008 7:46 AM

  In reply to

  Holbropa Joined on 09-28-2005 Posts 107

  Re: Advice on my Mother Reply Contact Sounds like you only want her there for crowning and pushing - so stick with that.  Trust me, you don't want any extra stressors at all.  I was completely stressed my first labor and dilated slowly and it ended in a c-section.  I'm going for a VBAC this time around...and I took a quick general hypnobirthing session and I really believe that any extra stress can slow your labor down.  So you don't need that.  Let your doula and husband handle everything.  Your job is to get the baby out.

• 08-25-2008 6:54 AM

  In reply to

  Katrina +2 Joined on 08-31-2003 Posts 701

  Re: Advice on my Mother Reply Contact yeah- stick with "you can wait in the waiting room, and a nurse will inform you when it's time for you to come in" that way- - let the nurse do it for you. trust me- you don't need any added stress or drama at that stage of l&d. you need to be 100% focused- especially if you're trying to go natural. i would've KILLED someone if they were causing trouble during either of my l&d's!!

• 08-25-2008 7:48 AM

  In reply to

  Cyn 7707 Joined on 03-13-2008 Posts 1,211

  Re: Advice on my Mother Reply Contact First, I would like to say to Deon2682, that I'm in a similar boat as you! Only, it's my Dad and MIL that I don't want in the room w/ me. My Dad, too, has to be dramatic and short-tempered, making a total ass of himself during moments that DO NOT revolve around him(my wedding, the day my DH deployed several weeks ago!)- and making ME feel like the bad guy. So, I don't want him near me while I'm in labor! And my MIL...well, she's not on my side in this world, to put it lightly, and I only want people who love me, and want the best for me, to be in the L&D room. Problem is, they have both assumed that they will be there w/ me!  And to the pp who replied, THANK YOU!!!! I will follow your advice and beg the L&D nurses to take care of the unwanted parties. You're all right...this will be stressful enough w/o the drama added by family.

• 08-26-2008 1:17 PM

  In reply to

  Deon2682 Joined on 03-23-2008 Flagstaff, AZ Posts 253	Re: Advice on my Mother Reply Contact Thank you to all-I have enlisted my Doula as the peace keeper during the delivery.   I told her that it is important to me to have the mothers there, but that they are there as witnesses ONLY.  She is up for the task of keeping them corralled while I finalize delivery.  We are DEFINITELY keeping the room clear until that point, though.

• 08-28-2008 8:46 PM

  In reply to

  Cyn 7707 Joined on 03-13-2008 Posts 1,211	Re: Advice on my Mother Reply Contact Good for you for standing up for your needs! I'm so glad that your doula is going to play referee for you.

• 09-27-2008 10:47 AM

  In reply to

  upholding birth Joined on 04-07-2005 NE Indiana Posts 413

  Re: Advice on my Mother Reply Contact From "Spiritual Midwifery" by Ina May Gaskin: Who Should Be At Your Birthing The birthing energy flows smoothest when everyone present is part of the crew, helping the baby to its birth. If some of the other people present are spectators, or what we call "passengers", the birth can be slowed down by hours or can even be halted until some change takes place in the energy. This is because anyone whose presence is not an actual help is requiring the emotional supports that should be going to the mother.

• 09-27-2008 1:04 PM

  In reply to

  Chamelyan Joined on 10-30-2007 Midwest Posts 79

  Re: Advice on my Mother Reply Contact  All I can say is, stand your ground.  It is YOUR birth and you're entitled to experience it any way you choose, even if that means other people don't get to enjoy it with you.  In my own experience, I had to break it to my MIL that she wasn't allowed to share the birth of my second child with my husband and I because she and everyone else who had been to my first birth were extremely unhelpful and only caused more stress.  She was bitter about it for several weeks, but basically it was used as an intimidation tactic and when she found it wasn't working, she dropped it and accepted that this moment was strictly for my husband and I and she was welcome to visit the new baby after delivery.  I don't know if the people in your life are going to behave in a similar manner, but if you suspect this will be the case, just remember that this is not your problem; you can't control other people's emotions for them.