sorry, update. (long vent)

• 10-24-2009 6:19 PM

  Shan1021 Joined on 09-29-2008 N.Y Posts 3,064

  sorry, update. (long vent) Reply Contact Hi girls. I know I used to post on here all the time but i'm def  slacking. I talk to a lot of you on facebook but I have something that's been bothering me for a really long time and I feel like all of you are the only ones I can trust, because you  won't tell anyone. I just have to vent. I had been with my boyfriend like over three years but about two months ago I  broke up with him and it was really really hard but i'm doing okay. The reason being my family/friends ALL hated him just because he was always mean to me and everything but what I never told anyone was that he used to beat me up all the time. Not like a smack or anything like throw me and punch me and  like a huge thing. I'm crying already writing this but you know when you keep a big secret for a long time how it hurts, I justneed to tell everyone. A week before prom he broke my rib. I just didn't see how stupid I was for staying. Then right before I found out I was pregnant, I got a black eye and he got in trouble and had to stay away from me and get help until like 2 months before I had Brendan. Then we were together and he never hit me again.  But even when I was in labor (thankfully my mom helped me every second) he just like sat there and tried to sleep and asked when it was gonna be over. But i stayed with him two months and tried to be a family, but I just felt like I had no love for him ( my bf) anymore. with brendan ( he was scared ) but still he really showed no emotion. I never ever ever left him alone with Brendan, not even to go to the bathroom, but I realized that i did not deserve this and i was not ever going to risk brendan's life even though he hadn't done it, i just wasn't happy. he still calls/texts me ebveryday, but i keep telling him i am never going to be back with him. i do not let him see brendan, but he won't bring it to court. (if he did bc he has no money he'dbe in trouble for nto paying child support which i don't want and when they saw his record of hitting me, he would not get much or any rights, my family has 2 lawyers) but i just had to let it out and you don't think i'm wrong for keeping brendan away from his dad right? it's not like  i just broke up with him, it's because i don't feel liek i want anyone around the most important person in my life when they have a history of such anger. sorry so long, i had to let it out. i miss you girls!

• 10-24-2009 7:01 PM

  In reply to

  melissa291536 Joined on 01-01-2004 Jersey Shore, NJ Posts 347	Re: sorry, update. (long vent) Reply Contact I am so very proud of you!!!!! Really I am. It takes so much to do what you are doing. Dont let anyone tell you that you are wrong. No he has no right to see his son, bc you dont know if one day he will hurt him. Be the wonderful mom that you are and take care of yourself & that baby.

• 10-24-2009 7:14 PM

  In reply to

  Shan1021 Joined on 09-29-2008 N.Y Posts 3,064

  Re: sorry, update. (long vent) Reply Contact  thank you melissa! I just didn't know if I was wrong keeping him away but I just really didn't feel right with him near him. It was really hard in the beginning because I did miss him because I was with him so long, but now i feel so much better and I am enjoying my life with my son and loving every minute. I feel bad that he isn't going to have a dad around, but hopefully one day he will know I did it to give him the best life I could

• 10-24-2009 7:44 PM

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  Nikkani86 Joined on 11-18-2008 Altoona, Pa Posts 1,953

  Re: sorry, update. (long vent) Reply Contact    I agree with Melissa. What you are doing really is very hard. My sisters bf used to beat her up all the time. I mean she fought back and sometimes started the fights but that doesn't justify it at all. One night Ken was beating my sister up while she was holding her oldest when he was still a baby (4years old now) and "accidentally" punched him in the face. And he hit him HARD. Hard enough to break the skin open under his eye. She left him for a long time. They are back together now after Ken got help and stopped drinking. Ken is such a great dad now that he has his anger under control. It's not very often that you see a man/boy who hits women do a 180 and stop their violence. But in my sisters case he was an angry drunk but any other time he was wonderful. I don't want you to ever think that you're a bad person for keeping Brendan from his dad if you fear for his safety. That makes you an amazing mom bc there are thousands of women who stay in those kinds of relationships and end up seriously hurt or even dead. I'm so sorry you had to deal with what he did to you, it never should have happened. You are such a nice person and you don't deserve to be treated like a punching bag.

• 10-24-2009 9:09 PM

  In reply to

  Shan1021 Joined on 09-29-2008 N.Y Posts 3,064

  Re: sorry, update. (long vent) Reply Contact  Thank you Nikki. I'm soo sorry she  had to go through that, but I am glad he is better now. I mean my ex is totally better now but still I don't want Brendan anywhere near that because who knows, he could snap and I would never ever forgive myself. So i rather be a little sad/lonely and protect my son. Plus, i just don't feel the same. I really feel I got pregnant to get my life straightened out. It made me reconnect wtih all my friends and be really motivated with school and break up with him and realize I so deserve better and saw how bad he was for me. Before I had brendan i totally didn't see it, but now i see why everyone really hated him. Every time he says he wants to get back together, I think of all the times he beat me and all the black eyes and bruises and i  think of brendan, and i know there is never a chance in the world i'll be back with him. but i'll be okay. thank you all for letting me tell yo girls, i know you all will listen and never tell. i just had to get if off my chest because it was really hurting me.

• 10-24-2009 9:18 PM

  In reply to

  Nikkani86 Joined on 11-18-2008 Altoona, Pa Posts 1,953	Re: sorry, update. (long vent) Reply Contact    I'm glad we were able to help and make you feel somewhat better. I'm here to listen anytime <3

• 10-25-2009 6:07 AM

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  Amber05 Joined on 05-13-2004 South Dakota, Lorena-4, Everett-3, 3 Angel Babies Posts 470	Re: sorry, update. (long vent) Reply Contact Oh, Shan. I am so sorry about what you've been through. I just want to say you are a GREAT mom. You have definitely done the right thing. (((HUGS)))

• 10-25-2009 8:47 AM

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  bales3137173 Joined on 11-22-2008 Finland Posts 231

  Re: sorry, update. (long vent) Reply Contact Shan dont even question yourself about your decision!! You have done the right thing and if you are this worried now about your little man being in danger, imagine in a few years when brendan is a 'naughty' little boy...you will be terrified of what may happen!! So good on you for getting out and just being so strong. You are so young and seem to have a family who clearly love and support you totally. So you may be a little lonely for a while, but im sure some day some hunk will come along and sweep you off your feet and treat you like a goddess...so hang in there and just enjoy this time with your young man and know you have done the right thing...any guy who is abusive at a young age is only going to get worse...you did good girl!! PLUS there is honestly nothing wrong with being single, in fact it can be pretty cool most of the time...you are your own boss and make your own decisions...I must say I miss that part of being single..so enjoy it my dear!

• 10-25-2009 12:23 PM

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  Kimberly2670453 Joined on 02-21-2008 Wisconsin Posts 2,866	Re: sorry, update. (long vent) Reply Contact  Hey Shan!  *hugs*  I did notice that on FB you said you are single, but I didn't want to pry.  I think you are doing the totally right thing!  I went through that with Emily's dad (my 6 yr old), but he unfortunately still has visitation rights, and that kills me.  But please know you have 100% support from me!

• 10-25-2009 12:47 PM

  In reply to

  sky62743 Joined on 06-12-2009 Posts 41

  Re: sorry, update. (long vent) Reply Contact I'm so sorry girl...and so thankful that you and Brendan are ok! He has no rights to see Brendan...you are so doing the right thing. Don't you ever let anyone tell you different...Brendan has a wonderful Mommy! If you ever need anyone to talk to message me on FB and Ill send you my #. Take care girl and remember always do what's best for you and lil man!

• 10-25-2009 3:00 PM

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  Dawn429 Joined on 12-29-2008 NM Posts 461

  Re: sorry, update. (long vent) Reply Contact Shan, I am proud of you for doing what you think is right.  I have gone through the exact same thing before with an ex.  We were together almost 3 years and he used to beat the crap out of me.  I tried to hide it and he always felt bad but it never got better, only worse.  Then one day something clicked and he told me if I didn't like it to leave....and I did and never went back.  A few weeks later I met my now husband and now I have 2 wonderful children and couldn't be happier.  You do what you need to to protect your child.  That is what makes a great parent.  If he wants to see Brendan, then he can take you to court.  Good luck.  I was also about your age when all this happened. Feel free to talk to me anytime you need to.  I still have a hard time talking about it sometimes and it has been 10 years.

• 10-25-2009 3:42 PM

  In reply to

  Shan1021 Joined on 09-29-2008 N.Y Posts 3,064

  Re: sorry, update. (long vent) Reply Contact  Thank you soo much everyone for supporting me and  sharing all of that with me. I knew I could always come to you  girls and tell my secrets to, I just had to let it out because it was really bothering me. I am so sorry to all of you who had to go through it, it really is so horrible. But I love Brendan more than anyone, and i rather be a little hurt and protect him. But now, i'm not even missing him anymore, i feel so much better single and feel so much happier living my life without having to deal with all his drama and abuse. and even some guys are asking me to go out ( i went out with one last night) and it's just nice that guys can still be interested even with a baby. i know i'll be okay, i just had to vent-- but i know i'm doing the right thing and will meet someone in life. thanks girls!!<3

• 10-26-2009 2:32 PM

  In reply to

  2 B GR8 Joined on 11-06-2008 Posts 626	Re: sorry, update. (long vent) Reply Contact  Good for you Shan ! A break up is always difficult but you really had no other choice. Now just have the courage to stick it out. You are a great mom and you deserve a great man. Hang in there.

• 10-26-2009 3:22 PM

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  arna Gunnur3170952 Joined on 12-16-2008 Reykjavik Posts 681

  Re: sorry, update. (long vent) Reply Contact  Awesome Shan! It takes courage to leave an abusive spouse and the longer you stay the harder it gets! You are way to young to take that kind of sh*t. Never doubt your decision, if at a later date Brendan wants to see his father you can always arrange for it that you and some other family member are present and observing while he gets to see him. But definetly never on his own. Congratulations on a clean brake and WELCOME to the rest of your life!

• 10-26-2009 3:39 PM

  In reply to

  Kimberly2670453 Joined on 02-21-2008 Wisconsin Posts 2,866

  Re: sorry, update. (long vent) Reply Contact Shan1021:  even some guys are asking me to go out ( i went out with one last night) and it's just nice that guys can still be interested even with a baby.   Any guy who is worthy of you will accept ALL of you, including your son.  For my husband, everyone questioned whether he wanted me, with 2 kids in tow, and he was kinda taken aback b/c there was never a question in his mind...  it's just the way it was, and he always knew it, and he loves all of us!  one thing i was really careful of when they were toddlers and older was not to get them involved in my relationships, until it reached a serious commitment.  I didn't want guys to be in and out of their lives.  I dated a guy with kids, and his youngest said to me, "if you marry my dad, you'd make a good step-mom."  I mentioned it to him, and he laughed and said, "you don't think she said that to the last one?"  To me, that just seemed so disrespectful to his children!