I get the feeling our marriage is failing...or is it just part being preggers/ postpartum depression?? Anyone relate or have advice??

• 05-29-2008 4:49 PM

  Sarah2377408 Joined on 09-06-2007 Posts 9

  I get the feeling our marriage is failing...or is it just part being preggers/ postpartum depression?? Anyone relate or have advice?? Reply Contact Lately I have (and probably my husband too) gotten the feeling that our marriage is going down the drain. We just had our first, a 4 week old baby girl, and are deffinately NOT trying to have anymore for a good few years. We were together a year before we got married. But anyways the real issue is that i was pretty bitchy towards him during the last half of the pregnancy (before we were living together) and now i know i've gotten worse. I just can't figure whether this is postpartum stressing with minimal sleep, or him not being around enough or i just plain don't really like him anymore. One thing i noticed was that he doesn't try as hard as when we were dating. His hygeine has gotten bad and he doesn't realy try to not check out other girls in front of me anymore. All he wants to do is sleep and have sex. Very very rarely do i give into that because for one- he just doesn't really do it for me anymore (possibly hormones??) and secondly i never feel like it cuz before i was pregnant and now i hurts since i've given birth and don't know how to get back into it. He can even be just fine having intercourse with me while the baby is fussing in the background and in the same room even. He goes to school in the morning comes home for 3 1/2 hours in between and then goes to work til about 10:30 pm, and on fridays til 12 or am!!! we see eachother on weekends but mainly just wanna sleep and i *** at him for not helping me clean then too. He thinks i have it easy but i'm reallt exhausted, depressed and can't much cleaning done cuz baby sleeps short intervals. Doctors say sleep when the baby sleeps but he gets pissed when the apartment isn't clean!! Bottomm line, i don't know what to do, i'm afraid i'm falling out of love with him, i'm worried he'll cheat if i keep bitching and crying and not giving him any sex, and i think our marriage is probably going down the drain cuz we had a baby when we can barely afford to eat and dont even spend time together aymore. Most times i don't even feel like being touched and that's NOT how itused to be. We were sooo in love. I still feel like i would do anything for him though but im so scaird and i don't know what to do. I feel so bad for him.

• 06-18-2008 9:43 AM

  In reply to

  lisa2905379 Joined on 06-18-2008 Mississippi Posts 9

  Re: I get the feeling our marriage is failing...or is it just part being preggers/ postpartum depression?? Anyone relate or have advice?? Reply Contact Sounds like you harbor a lot of resentment toward your husband, am I right? That can really get in the way of a relationship. The same thing happened to me after the birth of our son. I resented him for all of the things that he didn't do for me that I thought I deserved - during and after pregnancy. The only thing that made it better was me having to step back and take inventory of myself and my feelings, and just forgiving him for not really being there for me. The fact is: you can't go back and change anything that has happened. You either accept it and move forward, or resent it, allow it to linger and control the future. If you have any love left for your husband, which it sounds like you do, just simply build on that. Try to understand that this is a big change for him, too. And realize, also, that you might not have been very easy to live with. I know I wasn't. Once I realized that, and changed my attitude about him and gave him an opportunity to be out from under all of the pressure I was putting on him, things did get better. You have to find some sort of happiness within yourself, first. It should not be anyone else's responsibility to make you happy. That is just way too much pressure on someone. I tell you, it is not easy to try to correct your behavior when it is obvious that the other person needs the adjustment just as much, if not more than you. But, the only thing you can control is you. You can't make someone else do anything. You can only inspire them to change. Make them want to change for you. Have you tried explaining your feelings to him without being emotional? Most men, I have found, respond much better when feelings are just simply put - no crying ( that almost always triggers a defense mechanizm). Being a cryer myself, I know how hard it is to not cry. My husband does not even respond to my crying and looks at is as weakness. I know that he was first attracted to me because of how strong I was. So I know that when I have a problem with him, not to come crying, saying poor me. It will only make him more distant. So, just know your husband, try to put yourself in his shoes and do what you know is best for all 3 of you. I know that as soon as you decide to stop feeling sorry for yourself and just be the wife and mother you know you should be, things will slowly get better. Don't expect a sudden change, that will only bring more dissapointment. Just be open-minded about the whole situation and try to remember why you love him. Tap back into your first feelings about him. He's still the same guy. Good luck with everything and I hope only the best for you two. Don't rule out post-partem depression - seek help if you are having thoughts of suicide or of hurting your baby. Reality can get blurred when you are focused on yourself all of the time. Take every opportunity that you can to help someone else in need - that always puts things into perspective.

• 07-07-2008 4:09 PM

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  Sarah2377408 Joined on 09-06-2007 Posts 9	Re: I get the feeling our marriage is failing...or is it just part being preggers/ postpartum depression?? Anyone relate or have advice?? Reply Contact thanks so much for the advice. you sound very much the same as me. How're things for you now? Recently i've stepped back and even grown tired of listening to myself. I don't know if that is technically giving up on him or what.

• 07-14-2008 9:43 AM

  In reply to

  lisa2905379 Joined on 06-18-2008 Mississippi Posts 9

  Re: I get the feeling our marriage is failing...or is it just part being preggers/ postpartum depression?? Anyone relate or have advice?? Reply Contact I don't think that it is giving up on him......I think that it is just giving up on being run by your emotions. That is what helped with our situation. As soon as I decided that I wasn't going to be offended by any little thing that he did or didn't do.....stopped letting myself and my mood depend on what he did or said when he walked through the door... just simply stopped looking to him for happiness and approval or something.......I just decided that I was gonna be happy ( I started by counting my blessings, and having a beautiful child, there's one, automatically.).......I just got tired of feeling let down and got tired of feeling sorry for myself for what I didn't have in a husband. I kinda got a different perspective and looked at my own behavior over the previous months and wondered how I must've been to live with - having the expectations that I had and letting him know whenever I could my disapointment. I've learned, in a relationship, that it can be saved by one person deciding to do the right thing - all the time. Even if the other person is still stuck in the rut, when one person decides that they are going to live up to the promises they made to the other and to live with intergrity and to love uncoditionally and not be moved by the other's behavior.......you can really do a lot of damage to the wall that has been built between the two of you. Don't look at it as giving up on him, that's not what you want to do. Pray for him in any way that you can, lift him up and make him feel good about himself. (whenever he does anything praiseworthy). I think he will soon see how valuable you are and how much you do for him and the family. There is some healing time, though, that's probably going to happen. You'll have to do the right thing without any recognition for a while, if your husband is anything like mine. It took a little time and he had to see me giving him that time and have some intstances where he saw me being strong and not getting my feelings hurt where I normally would. Men are weird, sometimes, but I know we are to them, too. Once you see how it works, you just have to make that decision that you are going to live by certain standards and are not going to stoop below those standards no matter how provoked you are. You're not going to nag, complain, etc. You are going to do what you are supposed to do, and if he wants to act like a jerk, then that's on him and you are not going to stoop to his level. We all answer to one Master, let him answer to his, you know? Just pray....about everything, and pray for God to bless him. You won't believe the changes that can take place. Don't be suprised, though, if you start praying for him, if God convicts you of your behavior, first.........that's how it happened with me. Sorry I went so long, here, it just sounded like not much has changed for you.........I"ll be praying for you.........Much love, LP*

• 07-14-2008 10:54 AM

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  sjcush Joined on 09-19-2006 Posts 654

  Re: I get the feeling our marriage is failing...or is it just part being preggers/ postpartum depression?? Anyone relate or have advice?? Reply Contact It really sounds like postpartum depression to me.  I've been there...actually I am there.  I've seen a psychologist several times, and have been able to manage my depression issues without medication.  Extra sleep is key, and she helped me figure out what my other triggers are, and my husband even came with me to figure out how he could help.  I have been much like you...no sex drive, irritable, and just not caring about much...they are ALL signs of postpartum depression, which can happen while you are pregnant or anytime during the first year after delivery! Please call someone to seek help...the dark cloud of depression is a horrible thing to have to suffer, the sooner you can get some help the better!!! Good luck to you!

• 10-18-2008 6:49 PM

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  nicole1468224 Joined on 02-19-2007 Trinidad, West Indies Posts 15	Re: I get the feeling our marriage is failing...or is it just part being preggers/ postpartum depression?? Anyone relate or have advice?? Reply Contact I like your advice, thanks a lot I feel very inspired by your advice, prays always work.

• 10-22-2008 11:37 PM

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  bhaktisoman30 Joined on 09-17-2007 Posts 1

  Thankyou so much................ Reply Contact hi, I am right now going to depression. but your email has made my eyes opened and now i shall try to act as you have said. that you should do what is right and what has to be done even if other person behaves wrongly. but tell me wont he take us for granted if we behave like that. My husband when he come home only speaks to my daughter and his parents but does not speak to me any thing so for days we dont speak to each other , due to which i get very frusted then angry on him . I really dont know why i should continue this marriage, if there is lack of conversation. and if atall he speaks , he scolds me for spending money or keeping room untidy. pl help

• 12-03-2008 3:07 PM

  In reply to

  Sarah2377408 Joined on 09-06-2007 Posts 9

  Re: Thankyou so much................ Reply Contact Tell him you really want things to get better but just as he sees flaws in you, you see flaws in him too, and a marriage is not a "my way or the highway" kind of deal. Tell him you're tired and depressed if you are and whatever else youre feeling. He might be keeping pent up feelings too that you too can comfort eachother over and talk out. You both have to try, and not just say it but really try, both of you.