Anyone else feel like a single parent but are married to the father of your children?

• 08-27-2008 8:33 AM

  XnZsMomma Joined on 01-13-2008 Posts 28

  Anyone else feel like a single parent but are married to the father of your children? Reply Contact I feel like DH thinks his responsibility ends with bringing home the paycheck and that I am a single parent who gets to stay home and raise her kids. Because I am a SAHM I don't mind taking care of things, but I feel I can't even ask for help if I needed it, because the few times I have, have ended in arguments where he gets mad and resorts to emotional abuse. Has anyone else felt the same or similar? Am I alone?

• 08-27-2008 9:23 AM

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  Mom~of~Munchkins Joined on 09-14-2005 Posts 4,363

  Re: Anyone else feel like a single parent but are married to the father of your children? Reply Contact Yes ma'am.  Right there with you.  When I was pregnant with our third baby (who is 8 mos old now), he would come home from work and just go hide in our bedroom (and lock the door) to watch TV.  I would bang on the door to have him help me while I cook dinner and he'd yell at me for it.  "If I'm too emotionally and physically exhausted to work tomorrow, then I get fired!  And YOU won't have any food to prepare!"  Basically insinuating that I would be the demise of the family if I asked for some help, right?  Ugh.  I have three babies.  The oldest turned three in March.  I have not had a moment away from the babies in 2 and a half years.   Unless you count having major surgery or the birth of my third baby as a moment away.  LOL   I think, with my DH, he's insecure.  He's afraid he's gonna do something wrong.  So, instead ofo trying and failing (like mothers have to do), he chooses to excuse himself from the responsibility.   Of course, I've flat out asked him before, "If I had a full-time job, would you help more around the house?"  He said, "Well, yeah.  Of course.  You'd be working all day."  DUH!  SMACK!  I don't have any advice except to try not to nag him.  Just ask for help.  Play the psychologist and ask if he has any fears about helping.  Is he afraid of you yelling at him?  Is he afraid that he'll hurt the baby?  Is he just not ready to be a father?  etc.  I'm finally starting to get the man to help out a little.  We have set things that he does.  It helps me to know which responsibilities HE does, and which ones I am solely responsible for.  Then, when the chore is neglected, there is a single person to blame for it.  None of this, "Oh, I thought you were gonna do that!" or "Why can't YOU do it?  You're home all day."  So, DH does the garbage, the lawn mowing, and folds laundry.  Everything else is pretty much me, which is hard, I guess.  But its easier to know its MY job and that he is definitely not going to do it.  I think the most frustrating part is thinking, "Well, he's not had a rough day like me.  He should do the dishes this evening."  Then, when he doesn't do it, I throw a wall-eyed, two-yr old hissy tantrum on the kitchen floor.  LOL  Not really.  Just thought the visual would be kind of funny.  Hehe.

• 08-29-2008 12:38 PM

  In reply to

  XnZsMomma Joined on 01-13-2008 Posts 28

  Re: Anyone else feel like a single parent but are married to the father of your children? Reply Contact I used to want a large family, but now, I don't think I want to be a "single parent" of three. Two is hard enough as it is. I need to be better at asking him for help and then if he gives me the "on edge" excuse, just tell him I fell off the edge a long time ago. My sister called me a doormat and my mom called me the whole sidewalk. When he gets mad, he also resorts to "threatening" divorce so I try to avoid confrontation, but I guess that's what got me to where I am. I was never like this before. I think I lost myself somewhere. I just need to find me again and let him know that I didn't have these kids on my own and they are as much his as they are mine.

• 08-29-2008 3:26 PM

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  Shannon1983 Joined on 05-22-2004 NY Posts 1,120

  Re: Anyone else feel like a single parent but are married to the father of your children? Reply Contact  Yep I also feel like a single mother who just happens to have someone else paying the bills. He also gets mad when I ask for help, saying he works and that's his job, and the house and kids are my job. Or he used to say that a few months ago, now he just says he'll do whatever I ask but either never does it or waits so long that I do it myself (which then results in him saying that it's my fault I didn't get any help, he would've gotten to it). Honestly, I'm so disillusioned with him lately I'm not sure I would be here if it weren't for the kids. They love their daddy. Or the younger two do anyway. He's not so great with my oldest, who is not his biologically.  I'm also due in December and I am not looking forward to how the house will look if this baby turns out to be demanding. I must say though, if your husband gets as bad as what it sounds like from what you're saying, I don't see the marriage working in the long-term. If he's that inconsiderate of your feelings and needs now I don't see how the marriage could work. My husband is completely inconsiderate, too, but it's more of an oblivious kind of inconsiderate.

• 09-26-2008 10:12 PM

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  eliza_beth Joined on 09-13-2006 Posts 2

  Re: Anyone else feel like a single parent but are married to the father of your children? Reply Contact oh wow. it"s nice to see that I'm not the only one who feels this way. My husband has been really good the past week (our house has been clean thanks to his help and he's finaly admitted that he's a slob and that he's used to people picking up after him), but before that with an 18 mon. and a new born, I would ask for help, and he would tell me to get a job and see how it is to try to do both. I hated him for that. He's a self-emplyed programmer for heaven sakes- he's got loads of freedom! and constantly wastes time, but me- I never get a break. Somehow, I still manage to feel love for him, but like someon else said, if it wasnt for the children, I'd have probably left. He has no experience with kids, and even though I'm patient and willing to help him, he doesn't try at all. The only time he's changed diapers waswhen I was in the hospital delivering #2. He is so inconsistant as well. He keeps saying he doesn't have expectations...that we're not in the fifties, where men didn't do anything in the house, but he acts that way. *sigh* I just don't know what to do....sometimes he's fine, willing to help etc..., andother times he's a "macho" mexican man (though he continually denies it). I feel the exact way you seem to, and I'm sorry, I can't offer advice, only a listening heart.

• 09-28-2008 8:12 AM

  In reply to

  XnZsMomma Joined on 01-13-2008 Posts 28

  Re: Anyone else feel like a single parent but are married to the father of your children? Reply Contact We have had a few good talks where I have been able to explain how I feel and how his inaction comes across. We have been able to work on it and things are getting better. He even watched BOTH kids last night while I was gone for a couple hours. I haven't had time away like that, ever. He fed them dinner, gave them a bath, put them in bed, and even picked up the kitchen and vacuumed the floor! I thought I'd come home to the wrong house! During our talks we almost called it quits, but by allowing the issues to be brought to light we have been able to work on them together instead of me just being upset about what he isn't doing. We may not know the secrets to make our relationships go from rocky to great, but at least when we know that we aren't alone, we can know that there are things we can do to help us get through the day until we find something that helps to improve our situations. We all need "listening hearts" and avenues in which we can "vent" so we can gain a better perspective on the situation.

• 09-29-2008 1:15 AM

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  Nia2304821 Joined on 09-15-2008 Posts 1

  Re: Anyone else feel like a single parent but are married to the father of your children? Reply Contact I feel the same way. Dont get me wrong, I absolutely love staying at home with my baby, but when my husband comes home he goes straight to the computer to check on his Fantasy Football team, then he plays party poker. Then he falls asleep while watching football or politics on tv. I hardly get to see him during the week b/c he's a truck driver so when he comes home the baby and I want a little bit of attention. I dont know, maybe I'm being hard on him. He does take the initiative to change diapers and give baths. If I need something else done I have to ask him even when its the obvious like putting the leftovers away after I cooked dinner with the baby attached to my hip. GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!ok I'm done venting. None of my friedns my age have children so they wouldnt understand. Now that I'm a SAHM some friends ask me what I do all day, just watch tv. Yeah right.

• 10-07-2008 9:46 AM

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  UberBiz Joined on 06-08-2004 Maywood, NJ Posts 1,314

  Re: Anyone else feel like a single parent but are married to the father of your children? Reply Contact My question to you all is how did you wind up marrying these guys in the first place? They all sound like total jerks. I was nearly in the same situation as you all describe, and thank god I did NOT marry the guy... we lived together for a year after our [my] daughter was born, and he did NOTHING around the house. and I mean NOTHING. I was lonely, depressed, and angry all the time. he didn't even contribute monetarily to the household! I wound up working 50+ hours a week and still not making ends meet, leaving my baby with a good friend of mine who wasn't working...when he would come home (he would stay out all night a LOT) he would play computer games and lock himself in the bedroom, or just sit and watch tv. If I ever got married and THEN found myself in that situation, I'd be so far gone before you could even blink. I'm grateful to have had the experience I had with my daughter's father, because now I know what to steer clear from. I hope all of you can figure something out and work with your partner to balance the work load at home as well.

• 10-09-2008 8:32 AM

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  fafazinha69 Joined on 01-02-2006 Sunshine State Posts 1	Re: Anyone else feel like a single parent but are married to the father of your children? Reply Contact I also feel like that. That's the main reason why I do not want to have more kids.

• 10-16-2008 10:02 AM

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  Williams-Jones_Freda Joined on 03-09-2004 Sunflower, Mississippi Posts 113

  Re: Anyone else feel like a single parent but are married to the father of your children? Reply Contact Yes...I feel this way a lot of times but the difference is...I can ask my hubby for what I want and get it most of the time. But his down fall is not being at home enough and not spending time with the kids. Also, when he gets mad...he can go out and blow off some steam and I can't...He will not watch the kids to even let me go out for a walk if I want to..He is sooo busy and money struck that nothing that I want to do is important to him. Even when I play trips with the little money I do get from my child's disability. I would plan to take them to the Jackson, Ms zoo and he already has something on his agenda or either that day is the day he makes money so he can't go...He has to work..He will never sacrifice the opportunity of making money just to be with us...I recently got my tubes tied after my 1 yr old son.. I told my husband that I really didn't want to get them tied...but the way or life is....and the way he is with the kids...I don't want any kids with him and I don't want any kids by anyone else if I was to leave. I have 3 kids too...I'm kind of scared to be a single parent of 3 kids but I already feel that I am coached to be one. I am in school right now..I should have my degree by April 2009.. If this continues, Me and the kids will move on to something better than being here in boring ol mississippi and move to a better place. Then we argue about how he is out slaving to bring in money and how just in the house walking back and forth and watching the kids like it's nothing....but I don't want to get into all that but it's crazy...He will not understand until he puts his feet in my shoes.....

  Filed under: dad, SAHM, behaviors, married, downfalls

• 10-16-2008 10:07 AM

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  Cassandra2615384 Joined on 10-16-2008 Posts 2

  Re: Anyone else feel like a single parent but are married to the father of your children? Reply Contact Yes, I'm there too. I'm glad this question was posted b/c now I know I am not alone! We have a 21 month old son and a 6 week old son. For the first week, my husband helped around the house and with our older son. Now, there's nothing!!!! The baby's SO gassy from the formula b/c I can't produce anymore milk for him, the older one has molars coming in. I run on 1-2 hours a night. My husband works 3rd shift and has taken to sleeping til around 6pm and he has to leave at 7pm. So yes, I understand. Anytime, I ask him to help he says, "I dont help b/c you complain about me not helping" Is it just me or does that statement not make ANY sense? Evrytime I bring it up, we argue.

• 10-16-2008 10:13 AM

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  Williams-Jones_Freda Joined on 03-09-2004 Sunflower, Mississippi Posts 113

  Re: Anyone else feel like a single parent but are married to the father of your children? Reply Contact lol....hooooneyy it is not you and that statement doesn't make since. Sounds like he trying to come up with something quick to say to shut you up....you know what I mean? My husband just plain and simply doesn't help. He can count on one hand how many times he has changed the little baby pamper. I have a 9 yrs old, 4 yrs old and a 1 yrs old....My 9 year old helps me more than my own husband does around the house. Then he wants to compain. I tell him that if would help me more things wouldn't be this way. Hell...I'm not SuperMom...

• 10-16-2008 10:26 AM

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  XnZsMomma Joined on 01-13-2008 Posts 28

  Re: Anyone else feel like a single parent but are married to the father of your children? Reply Contact My 2 year old (today's his b-day) helps me around the house more than my husband does! I do it all and I prepare his lunch and dinner for him to take so all he has to do is put it in his bag in the morning, and he has the nerve to tell me I don't support him! I don't know how much longer we will last. How long can one person hold a marriage together? It takes two to make it work.

• 10-17-2008 10:06 AM

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  Williams-Jones_Freda Joined on 03-09-2004 Sunflower, Mississippi Posts 113	Re: Anyone else feel like a single parent but are married to the father of your children? Reply Contact  you sure are right.......it does take two

• 10-17-2008 10:56 AM

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  Louise2020826 Joined on 11-19-2007 Posts 2

  Re: Anyone else feel like a single parent but are married to the father of your children? Reply Contact I know how you feel. I felt like that with my first chld. It is a process of learning how to adapt and meet each persons needs. It will get better if you openly communicate what you need from your spouse. Be direct and simple. Also understand that your spouse probably really is clueless about how demanding babies are. The only way he will learn is by staying with the baby and taking care of him/her all by himself. It is what I refer to as growing pains.