how to get DH on board?

• 04-15-2009 12:03 PM

  Cookiethief2 Joined on 12-18-2006 #1 5/17/06 #2 6/11/07 #3 12/18/09 Posts 977

  how to get DH on board? Reply Contact How do you get your Dh on board? I've tried talking to my husband and telling him what I need from him as far as support goes, but he refuses to do anything he feels is "foolish" which happens to be just about everything.  In labor with my daughter, minutes away from having her, he refused, though I asked him several times, to hold my head up for me.  Because of that, I could not concentrate on pushing because my neck/head hurt so bad. His excuse, "I didn't want to hurt you."  He hurt me more by not doing what I asked.  I can't count on him to be supportive to the level that I need and to do the things I need him to do...beside hiring a doula, what can I do to get him to understand that I need his support?  I am only 5 weeks pregnant, so we've got a long time. I mention certain birthing methods and he hasn't done research, but he says he knows what it entails when he really doesn't because he won't let me talk about it and he wont' do the reading/research.

• 04-16-2009 8:40 AM

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  *Christa* Joined on 09-06-2005 Posts 462	Re: how to get DH on board? Reply Contact For Brock it was watching the Buisness of Being Born.  I'd defenitally hire a doula regardless.

• 04-16-2009 9:36 AM

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  Cookiethief2 Joined on 12-18-2006 #1 5/17/06 #2 6/11/07 #3 12/18/09 Posts 977	Re: how to get DH on board? Reply Contact Do you know whether or not you can rent it?  I just watched the trailer for it and I wanna see it now.  I am planning on hiring a doula, because I know DH will need/want a break and I'll need more than he is willing to give. He's just not very nurturing and thinks that he knows everything, even when he doesn't.  sigh...

• 04-16-2009 4:32 PM

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  Chamelyan Joined on 10-30-2007 Midwest Posts 119

  Re: how to get DH on board? Reply Contact  This is about YOU and what YOU need to have a healthy birth, not about him.  You need to let him know that regardless if he feels something is "foolish," it's what will help get the baby out.  It's not about him in the delivery room, it's ALL about you.  If he can't agree to support you in your decisions in birthing his child, maybe he should just go wait outside and miss the birth entirely.  I'd hire a doula regardless of his being on board, educate yourself in your pregnancy and upcoming birth, and accept the fact that perhaps this is just something your hubby can't handle.  You deserve to have support during your pregnancy and birth and if he can't give it to you, it's up to you to find someone who will.  Best of luck!

• 04-16-2009 6:18 PM

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  Cookiethief2 Joined on 12-18-2006 #1 5/17/06 #2 6/11/07 #3 12/18/09 Posts 977

  Re: how to get DH on board? Reply Contact Chamelyan-I completely agree that this is what I need to do and it's not about him at all, but it still hurts that he won't pull himself up by the bootstraps and do what needs to be done. I WILL be hiring a doula and DH will have to just deal with it.  I am gonna find The Business of Being Born and will watch it with him. I am also going to find information on hypnobirthing and get what I need for that and educate him a bit on it. Hopefully he'll be receptive, but if it does come down to it, I will ask him to stay out of the room.  I can do this without him, but I can't do it with him negating everything I do, telling me I'm doing it "wrong" or stupidly, not doing what I ask, and basically just not supporting me.   Ugh...I seriously wish he could just be a bit less "I'm right and you're wrong."  Especially when it comes to something that MY body is doing, NOT his.  If it helps me, he should support that, no matter what it is. If standing on my head helps, then he should help out! lol

• 04-16-2009 10:27 PM

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  *Christa* Joined on 09-06-2005 Posts 462	Re: how to get DH on board? Reply Contact You can only rent it from netflix or watch it online on netflix.  Do you have netflix?  If not you can subscribe for 1 month then cancel.  The only other option is to buy it.

• 04-17-2009 2:53 PM

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  NoLongerDesolate Joined on 02-23-2005 North LA Posts 527

  Re: how to get DH on board? Reply Contact I completely know how you feel. My dh is very similar. He wants to be there and watch but he's very hands off. Fortunately, my mother is very supportive and wants to be involved. She a perfect doula. And free! She's the one who helped me relax, breathe, push my hair from my face, hold my hand, and hold my head up during pushing. I'm preggo with my 3rd and I have accepted that's just how he is. Does it bother me? Sure. But I"m not gonna let it ruin my birth experience. My suggestion is to either find a family member who's willing to step in his place or hire a doula. Doula is probably the better route cuz it's hard to find family members who don't freak out and get scared over birth. You don't need that kind of energy.

• 04-17-2009 7:59 PM

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  Cookiethief2 Joined on 12-18-2006 #1 5/17/06 #2 6/11/07 #3 12/18/09 Posts 977

  Re: how to get DH on board? Reply Contact NoLongerDesolate,  Thanks!! I asked another friend who's husband is just like mine and she told me to just give up. lol  I WAS upset with my last labor because he wasn't what I wanted him to be, but I guess it'sjust time to accept who he is and find someone else to fill that void.  I have talked to my husband about hiring a doula and while he cringes at the cost ($300-800) he knows I want it and it'll free him up a bit and make me less upset at him.  I don't have any family members that wouldn't freak out...lol   My mom thinks i"m NUTS and absolutely CRAZY for having my last one without the epidural, she thinks I'm crazy for even trying it without meds. Looks like I just need to educate DH and then let him decide how involved he's going to be and then during labor/delivery, just ignore him and hope that he gets what he wants out of it.  He did, and I have to say I'm surprised and proud of him for it, cut the cord for both kids. He always told me that he'd never be able to do that.  He doesn't like doctors or hospitals, but insists that I be there to have the baby(won't accept or agree to a home birth) because he's scared that I won't live through it. *rolls eyes*  He doesn't like needles or blood and got kinda woozy with both my c-section and my vaginal birth, but he did cut both cords, so that was awesome.

• 04-18-2009 10:28 AM

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  NoLongerDesolate Joined on 02-23-2005 North LA Posts 527

  Re: how to get DH on board? Reply Contact lol. Well, if he doesn't like the cost of a doula then he'll just have to step up to the plate won't he? Or suck it up and spend the cash!! Oh, and my dh wouldn't agree to a home birth either. He wouldn't even agree to a midwife. He sees the glass half empty and always looks at worse case scenario. So I deliver naturally at hospitals. The doc I found for this pregnancy is great. He said that he wouldn't care if my dh wanted to deliver the baby himself. I laughed!! Yeah right. He doesn't even want to cut the cord.

• 04-18-2009 10:32 AM

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  NoLongerDesolate Joined on 02-23-2005 North LA Posts 527	Re: how to get DH on board? Reply Contact Just a thought: Have you considered taking some Bradley Method classes with Dh? The Bradley Method is supposed to teach Dad's how to be involved and more hands on. Maybe he just doesn't know HOW to help so that makes him feel foolish. If he knew what to do maybe he would actually do it.

• 04-18-2009 10:39 AM

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  bijou_bijou Joined on 03-09-2009 Des Moines, IA Posts 727

  Re: how to get DH on board? Reply Contact This totally reminds me of my "bf - baby daddy -whatever he is." He was no help at all at my delivery. He sat completely across the room and didn't even touch me or say anything until after the baby was born!! I've never felt so alone in my life!! He lives in Denver (long story), so I'm hoping I don't have to be induced again. If I go into labor on my own, there's a good chance he won't make it in time. If I'm induced I feel somewhat obligated to tell him... LOL. I bet your hubby wasn't woozy when he put those babies in there, was he? LOL. Men!! There's a reason God made us the ones who bare and care for the kids.... Oh - another thing - I was filling out paperwork to donate the cord blood to science since I can't afford to privately bank it. He said, "Well, I guess since you're the one having the baby, all the decisions are up to you!" He doesn't want me to donate the cord blood to help others. He'd rather it go to the landfill. What a jerk, huh??? Um. Yeah. Since the cord, the blood and the baby are in MY body, the decisions ARE up to me! I'm doing 100% of the hard work, and if he ever steps up to the plate to do his job, I'll consider giving him some say in the decisions. The sperm donor doesn't have any rights. She who delivers, breastfeeds, bathes, clothes, diapers, holds and stays up all night with the baby -- SHE has the rights. Can I get an amen?

• 04-18-2009 11:25 AM

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  CrissiLovesDylan Joined on 08-24-2007 Washington Posts 720	Re: how to get DH on board? Reply Contact AMEN!!!

• 04-18-2009 5:50 PM

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  Cookiethief2 Joined on 12-18-2006 #1 5/17/06 #2 6/11/07 #3 12/18/09 Posts 977

  Re: how to get DH on board? Reply Contact Amen to that!  He may cringe at the cost of the doula, but he'll pay it. I'm not giving him a choice.  We have taken birthing classes together...he now thinks he knows everything. If my OB offers a bradley method, we'll take it, because I think it WOULD help him know what to do when I'm in pain.  Granted, he DID walk the halls with me for hours in labor, but we both got bored with that pretty quick.  I just want to make sure that I get what I need, suggestions in a non-bossy way, and assistance with any breathing, meditating, pressure, tub...etc etc whatever I need way.  Sigh...

• 04-21-2009 3:26 PM

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  *Christa* Joined on 09-06-2005 Posts 462

  Re: how to get DH on board? Reply Contact Bradley method classes also really helped Brock understand what I needed vs just expecting the nurses to take care of my needs like my birth with Hannah.  We did the hospital classes the first go around & they were no help what so ever, Bradley classes truely helped him understand how to be the coach (and to understand  why I needed these things, not just how to help), I still had a doula anyways & she was defenitally needed to, although Brock was a great help & a great coach.

• 04-24-2009 7:22 PM

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  angela~2DS Joined on 04-04-2005 VA Posts 1,794

  Re: how to get DH on board? Reply Contact DH is pretty hands off too and I don't think he's all in with the all natural thing, but he won't say it. But then again he won't read anything I get for him either. Thankfully I don't need much when I'm in labor except a baby dance partner. And he was fine with that and I think I'd shoot him if he tried to touch my head in labor. I get really into myself and don't want to be pulled out of my concentration. I hope that makes sense. I have told him some of the things he can do to help me out but I labor for a long time and it's pretty bearable for a very long time. I wish he'd be more into what I want to do, but at least he isn't going to fight me. He did the first time a little bit, but not the second and not this time either I'm guessing. He agree with pp who said we're the ones having the baby, we can choose what we want to do. I hope you get what you want and are happy with your birth. I wish I could get DH to get more into it, but I don't think he would anyways. AMEN to pp!