it's different now but i can't let go of the past

• 06-12-2009 12:52 PM

  melonjuice Joined on 07-13-2006 southampton, england Posts 87

  it's different now but i can't let go of the past Reply Contact i'm 20 years old and pregnant with our 3rd child, all 3 have been high risk and we have been advised to have no sex for the first 12 weeks. i'm now nearing 11 weeks and can tell my husband is frustrated and i am too but i can't help but be scared for the baby. we've been here before but not like this, me and my husband have a bad past, he used to drink alot and was very violent he actually made me miscarry once and when he'd finish hitting me he'd dissapear for weekends at a time clubbing and send me messages saying he was with sum1 else and didn't love me any more. plus we had issues with porn, i have a bad past in relation to porn videos so the fact that he used to watch it and wank over it after knowing my story makes things worse. i dunno maybe i'm using this pregnancy as an excuse to have sum time to think about how intimate i can be with a man who has hurt me so badly. He's been sober for 10 months and we've had no problems, but in my 1st 2 pregnancies he was awful and i struggled to keep myself going. this pregnancy is alot different because he's now such a different person but it's all still in my head and making it near impossible to be intimate with him. what should i do?

• 06-14-2009 8:47 AM

  In reply to

  Ctheri Joined on 09-30-2008 Posts 669

  Re: it's different now but i can't let go of the past Reply Contact Umm.... I'm sorry honey. *comfort*  I'm happy he's sober, but that doesn't change the rest.  My first suggestion - ANY sign of drinking/abuse, and call the Domestic Abuse Hotline and get out...  You don't need to loose another baby.  You don't EVER deserve to be hit... And if he's hitting you, when will he start hitting your children?  (he's already killed one).....  Sorry As for the sex - it's YOUR body.  I lived with a man for 7 years who thought he had ultimate rights and even when it hurt to perform intercourse, he still gave me this moody crap and intimidated me into giving him sex by saying he'd leave... or other means of Power and Control...  YOU are your boss - you have the power and the control to live your life.  Dont let him, or anyone, put you down.  You deserve to be loved.  You deserve to be respected.  You deserve to be in control of your own body and life.   Always remember you CAN do it on your own if you need to - you are strong, you are brave.. or you wouldn't be staying with someone who has hit you before - but you don't need to be hurt anymore. http://www.theduluthmodel.org/ There is a Power and Control wheel here -- and when I read it - it really opened my eyes.  I was pregnant when I left him.  He still tries to control and manipulate me through the children, and he always will.. but I'm free to make my own choices now.   You should be able to choose for youself too.  Abuse is more than hitting.  Take control of you and your life.

• 07-03-2009 10:30 AM

  In reply to

  hcjfctc Joined on 01-23-2008 Keira Joy born 10/19/2009~Virginia Beach, VA Posts 390

  Re: it's different now but i can't let go of the past Reply Contact I'm glad that he is sober, too, but yes if he starts to get physical again, I would definitely seek help and remove yourself from that situation. On to the sex area, there are a couple of books that I would like to recommend to you. I'm gonna warn you they are Christian books so they do have stuff to do with God, but mostly sex, porn and such. Porn is just as much of an addiction as alcohol and drugs. A book for him to read, and maybe you too, is Every Man's Battle by Stephen Alterburn which is about how to overcome porn and such like that and why men fall into that addiction. For you to read, Every Heart Restored also by Stephen Alterburn which is for women who have husbands with porn or other sexual addictions and how to overcome the pain and hurt from it. A book for the both of you is Intimacy Ignited by Dillow and Pintus. It's a great book to get on the right track in your sex life, overcoming past issues, and making your intimacy healthy. I hope all goes well in your pregnancy and your marriage!