I had my D&C on Wednesday of this past week and have just been stalking here really, but I guess I'm ready to post now.
I was part of the March 2010 board with Sami and Brandy and now I'm here. We were 11 weeks pregnant and going in for our first ultrasound. I really was pretty nervous because I've had so many friends have this happen this year and I just felt something was not right. But tried to put on a brave face. The u/s tech only had one screen for her to see and I asked if she had one for the parents to see. She told me no...and went on to say that you wouldn't get to see a CT scan being preformed and this was just another medical procedure. I told her I wouldn't want to see what was on my CT scan until afterwards because there's not a baby inside to see. She had a look of deep concentration on her face the whole time. She asked if I had been experiencing any pain, I said no. She said she asked because I had a cyst on my ovary. She then said she'd like to do a vaginal sono and I knew then that something was definately wrong. I got undressed and layed on the table. She looked for just a moment then turned the screen so my husband and I could see. She said that she had been unable to locate a heartbeat doing the abdominal exam and wanted to make sure with the vaginal one. She showed us the baby and showed us the heat screen and showed us the heart that should be beating that was not. She said the baby measured 9 weeks. We were then taken to the doctor's office and waited for an hour for a nurse to come in. She didn't know we had a m/c and prepped me for an exam with the doctor. We then waited another 20 minutes before the doctor came in and discussed our options with us. She said I could wait it out and start to pass the baby on my own, I could have medicine applied to my cervix to start the process then come back every two days and be checked or I could do a D&C or S&C. I didn't want to do anything...but the thought of coming back to this clinic while passing my baby made me physically sick to my stomach. These people were so rude and callous through the whole process, I felt like a piece of crap the entire time. So we opted for the S&C which the doctor said it a little more gentle than a D&C...who knows, they were probably lying. So they placed sea weed in my cervix and sent me home with an appt to return in the morning to have the baby removed. We showed up on Wednesday morning and I had to fight the anastheologists on being put under. They said that's not their normal procedure and I said if you don't put me under I was going to walk out. The doctor looked at me and asked me why I wanted to be put under...then proceeded to ask if I was upset. I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said I was beyond upset and if she didn't put me out I was walking out. Finally she agreed. I woke up feeling defeated, guilty and numb. My baby was gone. What had taken me 8 months to concieve was gone in about 9 weeks. It's so weird to feel and think of yourself as pregnant for almost three months and then wake up and know that you are not.
Each day seems to get less painful...but I still feel guilty. Guilty that maybe I did something to harm this baby. Guilty that maybe the tech made a mistake and I gave up too quickly and killed my baby. Guilty that my son will not have a sibling. Guilty that my husband will not be a daddy again. Guilty that my body did this. Guilty that my children will not be close in age. Guilty that I already want to start trying again. My head tells me this is not my fault...my heart does not agree. How do you bring the two together?
We want to start trying again as soon as possible. I have no idea when my period will come. I have no idea if it will be sooner or later. I have a sinking feeling it will be later. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.